Tell him that your mother couldn’t afford to throw you a birthday party with the money she made working as a grocery store cashier.
“So she got a job at the party store, which would give her an employee discount so she could buy me some balloons.”
She kept looking for a better job, but one never came along. And since you kept having birthdays, she ended up trapped in that party store job.
“But soon she got an even better employee discount. And I got even more balloons on my birthday.”
It became your mom’s goal to get you so many birthday balloons that you’d be in danger of floating away. So she started sabotaging her coworkers, framing them for stealing from the register etc., and as they got fired one by one, she got promoted.
“But the real employee discount would come if she owned a piece of the store,” tell him. “If she owned a piece of the store, she’d be able to get balloons at cost.”
So your mom seduced the store owner and carried on an affair for a few months, making sure that his wife would find out and divorce him. The party store owner was so infatuated with how giving a lover your mom was that he married her as soon as the divorce went through.
“As his new wife, she was part owner of the store. I got so many balloons. But that wasn’t enough for my mom. Her new husband was too controlling over the store’s inventory and he wouldn’t buy the right balloons sometimes.
It was a slow-acting poison that she put into his food in small doses over the course of several months. When he died, the doctors only said it was a degenerative illness of the blood that they couldn’t quite pin down. Your mom owned the store outright, and when she eventually died, she passed it on to you.
"I have this party store because my mom wanted me to have a good birthday. And she devoted her life to giving me that good birthday by systematically climbing through the ranks of the store’s staff, seducing the owner, and eventually murdering him. And you want me to close it down?”
Your husband will say he was only thinking you might want to work less and be with your daughter more.
“I’ll be with my daughter when it matters. I’ll be with her on her birthday. She’ll know me because I’ll be the one behind the giant ass fucking wad of sick motherfucking balloons.”
Your husband will shrug. Increase the dose of poison in his food tonight.
Happy Why You’ll Never Close The Party Store Day!
