You formed a club called the Forest Bitches. You and your friends run into the forest and strip to your underwear and roll around on the soil chanting bullshit, usually high. You like to think you’re bonding with nature.
“This dirt is so fucking cleansing,” Georgette says, rubbing clumps of dirt on her bra and stomach.
“I’m eating a leaf,” Shannon says, spitting bits of the leaf out while she talks. “So gross.”
“Let’s spin around and shout ‘Praise Mother,’” you say. Then you and the other two Forest Bitches spin around until a man stumbles on the path in between the three of you.
“Help me,” he rasps. He’s covered in leather from the waist up only. From the waist down he’s bruised the color of a plum. His wrists are bound and he’s got a sweatband around his eyes.
You cut the ropes around his wrists and uncover his eyes. He tells you he’s a prostitute who’s been kept captive by a wealthy John for the past three weeks. He finally escaped, but not very successfully.
“Him and his thugs are coming,” he says. “We have to run.”
Just then the rich John and his thugs arrive in your clearing. They tell you to let the hooker go.
They have no idea who they’re dealing with.
“Forest Bitches, spin!” you shout.
The three of you start spinning as fast as you can. After eleven spins the ground opens up and swallows the John and his thugs. The hooker is saved.
“Forest Bitches undefeated!” the three of you shout while high fiving.
The hooker falls face forward and starts muttering unintelligibly. You get him to the hospital where he’s treated for dehydration. You want to stay with him while he recovers, but Georgette gets a phone call. She hands the cell phone to you.
“It’s the president,” she says. “There’s a new Al Qaida leader even more powerful than Bin Laden and he says Seal Team Six is busy.”
You take the call, then you look at Georgette and Shannon.
“Time to let nature run its course,” you say.
Happy Forest Bitches Day!
