Today while tending to your garden you’ll find a human femur. Show it to your son.
“I was having sex with it,” he’ll sob. “And I was ashamed!”
You never had the talk with your son and now you’re regretting being so prudish that your son felt the need to sneak off behind your back and have sex with human bones in secret.
Sit him down and first ask him if he has an alibi for the person from whose body the bone was removed.
He’ll nod. “He was a drifter. Had no family. No one will miss him.”
At least he was responsible. Commend him for looking out for his own well-being. Then tell him about sex.
“You first have to scrape any and all flesh and tissue from the bone to be sure you don’t insert yourself with anything gangrenous,” tell him. “Then sanitize the human bone for a good six to eight hours to remove all bacteria. Once the bone is clean, massage your own anus with your finger or a marital aid so as to relax and prepare the rectum for entry…”
As you shed light on the truths of how responsible, healthy human beings make love to skeletal remains, your son’s eyes will light up with relief that the veil of shame is finally being lifted. It’s moments like these when you know you’re a good mom.
Happy Tend To Your Garden Day!
