It’s time for Tips On Kisses, the only place where you can get all the kisses tips you’ll ever need.
First things first, go find yourself someone to kiss.
Keep looking.
Keep looking.
Keep looking.
Not her.
Keep looking.
Keep looking.
Not him.
Keep looking.
Not that.
Keep looking.
Keep looking.
What is that? No, put that down you’ll get arrested.
Keep looking.
Keep looking.
Keep looking.
That’s my Dad.
Keep looking.
She looks inebriated. Ma'am have you been drinking? Then no. Keep looking.
Keep looking.
Keep looking.
Found someone? Great!
Okay Tip #2, point your toes at her toes.
Tip #3. Start breathing through your nose. If you have to blow your nose to clear those nostrils, do it now. You’re going to need to be able to breathe through your nose during the kiss, because your mouth will be on hers, your tongues touching, mixing your saliva with her saliva and that includes remnants of everything she’s eaten. You need to be able to breathe through your nose while you do all that, so make sure you’re all clear.
Tip #4. Look her in the eye but not angrily. Look at her like you’re thinking, “I wanna put it in my mouth. I wanna put it in my mouth and keep it. I wanna sneak it into a movie theater in my mouth then sit down in my seat and pull it out of my mouth, then I wanna put it in my mouth again.”
Tip #5. Say I love you.
Tip #6. Grab her by both of her hands, then spin her around like a ballerina. Girls need to feel like ballerinas. Don’t spin her too many times. 30 times and that’s it.
Tip #7. Start to lean in for the big moment but stop and say, “Wait, do you hear something?” Then run into the bushes and make scary animal sounds like you’re being attacked. Slice your own face open with a knife you should already have, then walk back out and say, “That bear won’t be bothering you ever again.” Girls need to feel like protected ballerinas.
Tip #8. By now she’s topless of her own volition unless you did something wrong. It’s time to ask her who she’s working for. Say, “I’m not a fool. You’re clearly just trying to get information out of me. No woman as beautiful as you would be interested in me unless you wanted to know what I know.” She’ll insist that she’s just into it and nothing more, but she’ll be happy because girls need to feel like protected ballerinas who are beautiful enough to be international spies.
Tip #9. Pull out your penis and waggle it. Explain, “It will get longer later. I promise.” If she agrees to believe your promise, shake hands. Note, don’t make this promise unless it’s the truth but it probably is.
Tip #10. Now is when you exchange hand-made presents. Dreamcatchers and lanyards are good first kiss gifts. No ashtrays. Even if she’s a smoker, you shouldn’t encourage that.
Tip #11. Tell your families that you’d both like to be excused from the dinner table. Your families will continue getting to know each other while the two of you go someplace private.
Tip #12. Follow the rose petals you should have already laid out as a path to your kiss tub. Get completely naked, climb into the tub together, and have intercourse.
Tip #13. Continue having intercourse for several months, maybe as many as a year, before you decide to move in together. Do so, but make sure you put the stuff that doesn’t fit in the apartment into storage in case things don’t work out.
Tip #14. Marry and have three children. It’s going to be a rough rocky road, and sometimes you’ll wonder if you two are even going to make it to your first kiss without splitting up, but you will.
Tip #15. Help each other through a difficult illness, the development of a differently abled child, and the death of both your parents. Be there for her when she needs you. Girls who are about to be kissed need to feel like beautiful, protected ballerinas who know that they can count on you through the tough times, so the sweet times will be that much sweeter.
Tip #16. Deal with an infidelity, yours or hers. It happens. Your love is stronger than that, the kiss you’re about to enjoy way too important.
Tip #17. Relish the time with your grandchildren. Marvel that you’ve raised such fine adults.
Tip #18. Receive a diagnosis that says you don’t have much longer together. It’s time to buy the pills.
Tip #19. Lie down, eat the pills, and pull the large plastic bag over your heads.
Tip #20. Lean in and slowly, gently, finally, give her the kiss she’s been waiting for, your first and only. Press your lips to hers and feel her mouth against yours as the pills slow your systems and the oxygen in the bag depletes and you calmly, quietly leave this world and carry each other into nothingness on the wings of your very first kiss.
Happy Tips On Kisses Day!
