Pharmacy Pal Day!

You and your Pharmacy Pal like to sit and wait for your prescriptions and reminisce about the women you’ve loved.

Him: “We spent three days in bed in a hotel room in Cleveland. When we finally put our clothes on and turned on the TV, Reagan had been reelected.”i

You: “She used to throw forks at my head she loved me so much. Her husband once offered to pay me $75,000 if I’d move three states away.”

Today’s the big day when you both realize you’re describing the same woman. A woman who used to cry over the bow of the Staten Island Ferry while wearing a white dress.

“That’s so insane,” you’ll say. “I guess with all the women you and I have had we were bound to intersect.”

“Was she real?” he’ll ask. “Or a spectre.”

“Specter,” you’ll say. “Totally. No one else on the boat could see her. She was the ghost of a woman who’d been jilted at the altar and threw herself overboard.”

“How many specters you had?” your Pharmacy Pal will say.

You hate when he asks you first, because he always tops it. You tell him six disembodied apparitions or “energies” as the people on TV like to say.

“Seven,” he’ll say. “Fucking ghosts. They really don’t have any morality do they?”

They really don’t, tell him. Then both of you should sit silently and enjoy your memories of the spirits of women you’ve made love to.

Happy Pharmacy Pal Day!

Tell Your Wife’s Sister It’s Over Day!

“We can’t do this anymore,” say. “You have too strong a hold on me. Every time you open your mouth you make me want you more, and I can’t betray Katie any longer.”

“My sister cheats on you with your brother,” she’ll tell you.

Remind her you don’t have a brother.

“If you did, she’d cheat on you with him.”

Tell her that imagining having a brother, and imagining your wife secretly having sex with him, just made you super-hot. Enter her.

When finished say, “We can’t do this anymore” and mean it this time.

Happy Tell Your Wife’s Sister It’s Over Day!

Remember Where You Came From Day!

You’ve had amnesia for eight months now. You had an accident where your car went over a bridge. You were rescued by a lonely man named Arnold who you fell in love with as he nursed you back to health. He’s refused to help you reconnect with the life you had before you lost your memory. That’s been fine because you’re happy with him, but you still can’t help but wonder who you were really. Arnold doesn’t want to tell you because he’s scared you’ll leave.

“I researched it. The guy you were with before the accident was fucking hot. And you had a really great job. I don’t want you two to learn who you used to be. You’ll dump me so fast.”

You’ve explained to Arnold that there’s no way the guy you were with back then could win you back if he couldn’t even be bothered to find you and help you remember who he is and why you and he were an item. And a job’s just a job.

“No way,” Arnold says. “He’s way too hot. If he’s still into you I’ll be history.”

You badger him until he relents and gives you the address of the guy you don’t remember loving. You visit him and after brief pleasantries he’s inside of you. Feeling that, you remember everything, including that he is a well-respected economist and that you are the Vice President of the United States. Return to Washington and have them call off the search party and tell them to arrest Arnold for kidnapping someone really important. Then work on creating some smooth lines of communication in a fractious Congress.

Happy Remember Where You Came From Day!

Porn Apartment Day!

Half-way through masturbating to a scene about a housewife who decided to have sex with a man who was just trying to sell her a vacuum, you’ll realize that the people you’re masturbating to are having sex in the very spot where you are masturbating. Your apartment must have been used as a location for pornographic videos before you moved in. If you continue to masturbate to this scene, to the point of achieving orgasm, you’ll create a paradox that results in Germany having won the second World War.

Happy Porn Apartment Day!