He’ll spot you at the table with your hand clasped in the hand of the guy who’s wrong for you, the one with the curly dirty blonde hair and a fat wealthy face. He’ll see the surrounding family, soon-to-be in-laws, a joyless, undermining lot all of whom claim to be Christian folk but who only care about property and vodka and what kind of promotions the neighbors’ kids are getting.
“Let’s go,” he’ll say to you, suddenly standing beside your chair.
“You think so?” you’ll ask.
“Look around,” he’ll say. “You know you don’t belong with them. They only want you because you’re beautiful, because you’ll look good in the family photos, off to the left, unsmiling. Just like his mother.”
“Who is this?” the mother-in-law to be will ask.
“Let’s go,” he’ll say again.
Your fiance will stand up to him and say, “I don’t know what you think you’re trying to pull–”
He’ll pepper spray your fiance. Then he’ll go around the table and pepper spray everyone in your fiance’s family, including his grandmother. They’ll fall to the floor crying and clawing at their faces while he whisks you away to the sidewalk. Ask him why he pepper sprayed everyone at the table and he’ll tell you no one’s chasing after you are they, so it must have been a good idea.
“Go find another mistake to make,” he’ll say. “Be careful though, I might not be around for the next one.”
Ask him if he’d like to be your next mistake and he’ll wave his wedding ring at you. Ask him why he saved you from marrying the wrong guy if he’s already married and has no interest in you himself and he’ll say he has an interest in doing the right thing.
“I saw a beautiful girl sitting at the wrong table,” he’ll say. “I escorted her away from it. Just being a good citizen.”
Just then lightning will crack in the sky and he’ll shout, “Fuck I hate the fuckin’ rain!” Then he’ll run for shelter, leaving you there, soaked.
Happy Whisking You Away From A Terrible Mistake Day!
