Everyone in your little podunk town is trying to kill you because they heard you got into one of those colleges up north where they teach you communications and how to flirt with Jewish girls by speaking heatedly about politics.
“So it’s agreed,” the senior councilman said last night at the Town Center. “We kill him before he gets on that bus tomorrow morning. We’re a jealous folk here in our simple little town, and if we can’t have him, no one can.”
“Perhaps we should do it tonight,” the town mailman said.
“Nope,” the senior councilman responded. “Too sleepy. Had a big dinner.”
That was your big break. Wake up early this morning, pack your bags, then go house to house murdering everyone in your town before getting on the bus to Villanova. Your town has a population of 865, so you have to kill 4.8 people per minute to make your bus in three hours. Use fire. Make sure you get everybody because if you leave any living witnesses, they could come to Villanova and kill everyone on campus out of vengeance.
Congratulations on being the ninth person in your town to get into college. Now let’s work on you being the first one to get out of that town alive.
Happy We Can’t Let Go Of Him Day!
