You're the Mother Superior of a nunnery that's about to be shut down by the city because your nunnery is behind on the rent and the city wants to build more bowling alleys. You need to come up with thousands of dollars very quick.
"We have no choice," you'll tell the bunch of nuns you have to see like every fucking day. "We need to sell drugs."
The nuns will faint. When they wake up, they'll ask, first, if they made a mistake going the nun route since it was either this or roadie-ing Lilith Fair and at least at Lilith Fair you don't have to dress in a glorified burka. Then they'll remember why they fainted and they'll ask if you're serious about selling drugs.
"We have no choice," you'll tell them. "We have to think of the kids. If we get shut down those kids will have no one to teach them Sunday School. It's for the kids."
"But who will we sell the drugs to?" the nuns will ask.
"The kids," you'll say.
The kids will love the drugs you sell them and you won't be able to re-up your supply fast enough. Sunday School will be a little chaotic since all of the pre-teens and young teens you teach will be on the floor high off their asses. As the kids get more addicted, raise the price on the drugs. Raise it just a little bit, but not so much that they'll go out to the street for cheaper stuff. Little kids can usually be counted on for the comeback when they find the right high.
When you've sold enough drugs to the kids to pay your rent, throw a little party telling them all that your convent isn't going to be shut down and Sunday School will continue without any interruption. The kids will ask what this means as regards them buying more drugs from you. Tell them there won't be any more drugs and then hit their hands with rulers until they kick their habits. All but two of the kids will kick. Those two will become prostitutes.
Happy Drug Dealing Nuns Day!
PS: I think I'm moving this blog over to tumblr. Make a note or something.
