You're temping at a new desk today and the secretary you're filling in for left some instructions to give you the lay of the land:
1. Director Harris likes to keep his door closed at all times, and he especially likes it when you knock on his door but don't come in even though he says it's okay to come in. Do it at least a few times per day, making sure that on one of the occasions, you do end up coming in. He loves to feel the anticipation build for the moment when he says "come in" and after so many fakeouts, the door finally opens and you give him his messages.
2. Director Harris hates a gossip, but he isn't sure what the definition of gossip is. So to be on the safe side, never share anything remotely personal about yourself or anyone else, no matter how trivial. If you tell him that today is your daughter's birthday, he'll chastise you as a gossip and fire you on the spot.
3. Director Harris has never killed a man with his bare hands and so you should never ask him if he has. You have the answer. He hasn't.
4. Director Harris likes his mail to be removed from the envelopes, dipped in lemon juice and baked in an oven until the paper has browned to look like parchment so that he can pretend it's revolutionary times.
5. If Director Harris's wife should call, ask her where she is and what he said to make her go.
6. There's a heart shaped locket in the top left drawer of my desk with a photo of a young girl inside. Wear it around your neck and tuck it under your blouse. When Director Harris asks where the locket is, tell him "It's safe."
7. If the CEO should come by asking whether Director Harris has been a good boy or a bad boy today, tell him you're just the temp and so he can shove his fucking questions up his fat hairy ass.
8. Don't sit in my chair. Bring your own chair if you want to sit. Or stand. Fuck you.
9. If Director Harris should bring you into his office and tell you that it's about time this company brought in a fresh point of view and so would you like to be hired full-time as Senior Vice President of Operations and Future Planning, it's a trick. Get out of there. Get out of there immediately.
10. By now you probably realize that Director Harris doesn't exist. Hopefully you're already across state lines. Dye your hair and get underground. I'm sorry you got involved in this mess Denise. God, we had such big plans for you. You were gonna be the one to go all the way. You were gonna be the one that we looked at and said, "See, this ain't a dead end. Some of us get out." Aw Denise, hold onto your heart okay sweetie? Keep that sweet, golden heart safe and sound.
Happy Desk Instructions Day!
