The old wive's tale goes, every time you smoke one of Mom's cigarettes, Dad considers leaving wherever he is and coming home to live with you and Mom again. Which means you have to really smoke a lot of Mom's cigarettes to keep the thought going through Dad's head, making him think about you and your Mom so much that eventually he thinks, "Well, they've been on my mind a lot lately. Guess maybe I miss them or something. Is it worth my time to go back and live in that house full of awful again?"
Since Mom gets angry when her cigarettes go missing, you're going to have to space out the cigarettes you steal. Do one in the morning, one around lunch, and one right after she goes to bed. Making your Dad think about coming home three times a day is a pretty good frequency. Unfortunately, your Mom has gotten the sense that you feel like you need a father-figure in your life, so she's been keeping a close eye on her cigarettes.
"I don't want that fucker back here," she'll tell you when she discovers some of her cigarettes gone. "Stop putting us into his head."
Scream, "You drove him away!"
"Damn right," she'll say. Then she'll throw a carton at you. "Bought you your own."
Tell her you only want to smoke hers, but she'll tell you that she's not going to let hers out of her sight from now on, so if you want a cigarette, you're going to have to smoke one of the carton she bought you. You'll tell her you only started smoking to get Dad to come back so she can keep the carton. Five minutes later, you'll crave every cigarette inside that carton so you'll rip it open and start smoking, the smooth, delicate nicotine high making you feel pretty okay with not having a Dad around. Anti-smoking researchers find that more children become smokers to get their dads to come home than peer pressure and youth-targeted advertising combined.
Happy Mom's Cigarettes Day!
