Tell Your Best Friend You Never Liked Her Husband Day!

Tell her as soon as she's done dialing consulates.

"I know I'm supposed to wait before I say this," tell her. "That couples always end up getting back together and they remember everyone who took sides when they were split up. But I can't help it. You deserved better than him."

Your friend will be thrown, but just keep hitting her with the truth. She'll tell you she doesn't have time for your bullshit right now, and that she has to figure out which embassy to contact.

"He kind of made the two of you live out his dreams, you know?"

Your friend won't want to hear this, but that's only because deep down she agrees with you. She's just going to keep trying to find someone on the phone who understands prosecution procedure in Indonesia.

"I know it doesn't feel this way yet, but you're going to have a great life now that he's gone. The life you were meant to have."

Your friend will tell you that she really needs you to shut up. Her husband isn't gone, she'll say. He got scammed into transporting someone else's bag through customs and it was full of heroin, and now he is at risk of spending the rest of his life rotting in a jail cell on the other side of the planet.

"I know someone who would be great for you," tell her. "He works in marketing. A little young for you, but I bet you two would hit it off."

Your friend will try to shut you out while she tallies her savings to figure out if she has enough for a plane ticket, lodging, and the cost of a lawyer who'll stick with a case that could drag on for months if not years.

"Screw it, let's get trashed! Girls night!"

Your friend will realize she doesn't even know where Indonesia is. She'll google it, then she'll collapse into a sobbing mess beside her desk chair. Put "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce on the stereo and see if the two of you aren't dancing with empowerment by the second verse.

Happy Tell Your Best Friend You Never Liked Her Husband Day!

Your Husband Was In The Movie Krush Groove Day!

"Thought that was gonna work out to be something bigger for me," he said to you on your first date. "A lot of the cast used Krush Groove as kind of a launching pad for whatever else it was they were working on. I just couldn't get my shit together like they could."

You were staring at a high-rise where there used to stand a warehouse, which had been used as a location in Krush Groove.

"The roof of the warehouse," he told you. "I was one of the guys dancing on it."

You asked him whether he was still in touch with any of the other cast-members of Krush Groove, and he just shook his head. "Hurts too much."

You leaned over the gear shift and gave him a kiss on his cheek. You told him that you're glad he didn't go on to become a movie star after Krush Groove. "If you had, you might not have given me the time of day. And I wouldn't be having the wonderful time I'm having with you right now."

He said, "Guess that's one thing I can be glad about. I'm having a great time too."

You kissed some more, then you said, "Krush Groove is a stupid movie anyway."

He pulled away and drove you home in silence, angry that you would talk that way about Krush Groove.

A few weeks later he realized he had a shot at something pretty good with you, and maybe it was time to get over the whole Krush Groove thing anyway. He showed up at your door with a signed DVD of the movie Krush Groove. He stuck it into your DVD player and showed you his scene, then he said he'd never watch it again, if you would take his hand in marriage.

That was twelve years ago today. Happy Anniversary you two!

Happy Your Husband Was In The Movie Krush Groove Day!

Babies Having Babies Day!

At six months old, you are the first baby to ever get pregnant. The press has three big questions for you:

1. Are you going to keep it?

2. If you do decide to keep it, since you're only a little bit larger than the average newborn, will the presence of a developing fetus inside your tiny body kill you?

3. Who's the father?

The answer to the first and second questions is yes. The answer to the third question is one you'll take to your grave, since the father is none other than Rookie Of The Year star Daniel Stern!

"We were in love," you would perhaps tell reporters one day if a gestating baby wasn't going to tear your body into pieces in a few weeks. "He was afraid that I was too young to make love, but I told him that love has no age. I made a vow to keep my relationship with Daniel a secret, as I knew if it got out that he had had an affair with a toddler, his career as a star of family entertainment might be jeopardized."

Not only will your baby somehow survive, he will lead a long healthy life, and Daniel Stern will send him $5000 per month under the condition that the baby never try to contact him, and that his paternity never be made public. So good news, your baby won't have to temp.

Happy Babies Having Babies Day!

Rob Your Ex-Wife Day!

Russel's going to be the last one lingering at the end of your backyard party, he'll be standing by the honeysuckle bush, sipping his O'Douls and looking like he's not waiting around to pitch you on a new score.

"You know how much cash those Pitch N Putts take in on a Saturday?"

"You wanna rob a Pitch N' Putt?"

He'll shake his head no, then he'll hold up three fingers.

"Three Pitch N Putts. You're out of your mind."

He'll name them. The Putt Putt. The Putt N Pitch. And the Pitch And Putt out on Route 40. All three owned by--

"Our ex-wife Clarise."

You and Russel were both married to Clarise. She divorced you to marry him in fact. It put a strain on your criminal collaborations, but after the wounds healed and you started dating again, you found you were able to forgive Russel. Once Clarise divorced him as well, Russel kind of forced his friendship on you again, and you decided it wasn't worth it to refuse.

"I'm over Clarise," tell Russel. "Long over her, in fact. It's still too soon for you to be making decisions like this. You're robbing with your heart, not your head."

Russel will jiggle the fake beer in his bottle. You'll start cleaning up the plates.

"Guess me and Keith'll just have to plan a robbery of three Pitch N Putts on our own, then," Russel will say.

"Why would Keith rob from his own wife?" you'll ask.

Russel will hold up the gossip page from the Pennysaver. The headline will read, Pitch N Putt Titan Drops Husband Number 3.

"Ex-wife," Russel will correct you.

Reading that headline, all the old humiliations will come rushing back at you. Your wife leaving you was one thing. Leaving to marry your partner, that made it even worse. Now she's left a third guy in the dust, making the three of you into a laughing stock. The three stooges. Clarise's castoffs. It's time to make her pay.

"How many guys you think we're gonna need to pull this off," you'll ask Russel.

"Thirty Seven," Russel will say. "Maybe thirty-eight. And guys we trust too."

Happy Rob Your Ex-Wife Day!

The End Of Joey Day!

Today is the end of Joey. He's going to lock himself inside his kitchen and turn on the oven and breathe in a bunch of gas or something. He hasn't planned it out very well but he IS going to die today so you should start planning the "Joey's Gone" party and invite Joey's friends, neighbors, and all the police who used to love the way Joey would make them laugh when they'd arrest him for ruining everything in various situations (parades, funerals for Joey's parents and step-parents, this one party that Joey's boss threw for him when he was about to promote Joey but instead Joey showed up with some unloaded guns and a dog). A lot of people are going to want to claim that they always "got" Joey so if you send out the first evite, you'll get the jump on them. Best of luck and don't serve shrimp. Joey loved shrimp and he was very vocal about it so if you refuse to serve it, everyone will ask why no shrimp and you can say, "Didn't you know that was just a put-on?" Remember, when someone takes his own life, it's up to the people he left behind to profit off of the loss socially.

Happy The End Of Joey Day!

Nude Pete Day!

You're Nude Pete and you just woke up in an empty hospital that looks like the aftermath of a bloody battle. When you walk out into the hall, you'll find that people have written stuff from the bible in red paint on the walls, and there's trash all over the place and doors torn off their hinges. Looks like you're the only man who survived some kind of war between the living and the walking dead.

"Wonder if I still love being nude with no one alive to see me," you'll think.

Just to get a sense of yourself, you'll put on some clothes you find in one of the closets of a neighboring hospital room. A sweater and some slacks. The sweater will be a little big, but the slacks will fit okay. Head out into the hall and see how it feels.

"Hm. Gotta say, I'm not really feeling the urge to nude out, seeing as there's no one to take a gander," you'll think. "Is it really the case that all these years, I've gravitated toward nudity solely for the thrill of being seen by others. Am I really that dependent on the other?"

You'll go outside into the ruined and blood-soaked street and stare out at the still glowing embers of burned buildings and cars.

"So everything about my sense of self, it was all based in the reaction I got from witnesses. What a thing to learn about myself. I'm a small, small man," you'll think.

Sitting there in the hospital parking lot, you'll be delighted to discover another living human stumbling toward you. You'll quickly disrobe.

"Thank goodness," you'll say to the man, who appears to be coughing. "I just realized that I've kind of defined myself according to the gasps and titters I drew from others with my nakedness," you'll continue. "I was kind of worried there that with no other people around, I'd have to come up with a whole new 'thing.'"

The man will continue approaching you, and you'll see his eyes turn black and his limbs become stiff. You'll note a profound change in everything about the man. He no longer sees you as a person who just took off all his clothes. He, or rather, it can now only see you as a source of sustenance.

"Wow," you'll think. "Just like that, I couldn't give a crap about being nude in front of this guy. A little zombification and the jazz goes out the window."

You'll slip back into your clothes and then behead the undead man with one swing of a jagged shaft of steel you'll find nearby.

Ultimately, you'll find an empty apartment on the high floor of a building in which to hide. Zombies can't read, so outside the building you'll post a sign that reads, "If you're reading this, you haven't changed yet. I am on the eighteenth floor of this building and I want to show you my body." And that's how the surviving army of humanity will be marshaled together in a lone city apartment by you, Nude Pete, a man who just wants to live in a world where there are still cognizant human beings who will avert their eyes from the unexpected appearance of your naked sack.

Happy Nude Pete Day!

Mom's Cigarettes Day!

The old wive's tale goes, every time you smoke one of Mom's cigarettes, Dad considers leaving wherever he is and coming home to live with you and Mom again. Which means you have to really smoke a lot of Mom's cigarettes to keep the thought going through Dad's head, making him think about you and your Mom so much that eventually he thinks, "Well, they've been on my mind a lot lately. Guess maybe I miss them or something. Is it worth my time to go back and live in that house full of awful again?"

Since Mom gets angry when her cigarettes go missing, you're going to have to space out the cigarettes you steal. Do one in the morning, one around lunch, and one right after she goes to bed. Making your Dad think about coming home three times a day is a pretty good frequency. Unfortunately, your Mom has gotten the sense that you feel like you need a father-figure in your life, so she's been keeping a close eye on her cigarettes.

"I don't want that fucker back here," she'll tell you when she discovers some of her cigarettes gone. "Stop putting us into his head."

Scream, "You drove him away!"

"Damn right," she'll say. Then she'll throw a carton at you. "Bought you your own."

Tell her you only want to smoke hers, but she'll tell you that she's not going to let hers out of her sight from now on, so if you want a cigarette, you're going to have to smoke one of the carton she bought you. You'll tell her you only started smoking to get Dad to come back so she can keep the carton. Five minutes later, you'll crave every cigarette inside that carton so you'll rip it open and start smoking, the smooth, delicate nicotine high making you feel pretty okay with not having a Dad around. Anti-smoking researchers find that more children become smokers to get their dads to come home than peer pressure and youth-targeted advertising combined.

Happy Mom's Cigarettes Day!

Rocket Dance Day!

Tonight is the big dance on your rocketship. You're going to go with Captain Landry but you really wish you were going with the humanoid who is programmed to provide sexual simulations (basically sex but to not make it sound like you all rape robots, they call it simulations) upon request, but you were too shy to ask it to go with you. Lieutenant Grace is going with the humanoid instead.

At the dance Lieutenant Grace is going to order the humanoid to strip and dance lasciviously for everyone. The humanoid will comply and while everyone will cheer it on, you'll feel like something terrible is happening. You'll wonder if a human race that can treat it's humanoid friends in such a manner is really worth spit. Even though you know it's unpopular and you'll only get ragged on by the other astronauts, you'll run into the circle to cover up the humanoid with your jacket and protect the humanoid's honor. Unfortunately, the humanoid will interpret this act of chivalry as nothing more than your effort to thwart it from carrying out an order given by a military officer, basically an act of aggression, and the humanoid will tear you in two at the waist. The other astronauts will open fire on the humanoid, but the other humanoids will come to their fellow humanoid's defense. When all of the astronauts are dead, your rocket ship will be the first to be piloted by humanoids in the great Humanoid Against Real Human war that will lead to the end of the human race by next March.

Once all humans are dead the humanoids will direct their humanoid scientists to learn how to make humans. They'll eventually succeed and these wars will just keep happening on and on because it's what you do when you have opposable thumbs on planet earth. You try to make something that can destroy you.

Happy Rocket Dance Day!

In The Tunnels Day!

You got a job digging a tunnel for the city, so you spend all your days underground feeling rats and Native American spirits scurry over your shoes. When the tunnel’s path cuts through one of the already existing tunnels down there, lots of mole people end up getting displaced. That’s when you’ll bump into your old buddy Danny.

“So this is where you been hiding,” you’ll say, once you recognize Danny’s eyes peeking out from the mask of black soot.

“Yeah,” Danny says. “I could tell you the whole story, but like everything else in life, it takes a whole lot of boring little steps before you finally find yourself living in an old abandoned subway shaft. Anyway, how you been?”

You’ll shrug. “Been better. Been worse.”

You’ll kick at some garbage on the ground. Danny will move his eyes about the ceiling. Both of you not wanting to bring her up.

“Heard from any of the old Northwestern gang?” Danny will ask.

You’ll nod. “All of em,” you’ll say. “There’s this web thing called Facebook. It put everyone back in touch.”

Danny will say, “Pretty cool.”

It’s stupid to pretend you can ignore it.

“We got married Danny,” tell him.

Danny won’t look at you. He’ll keep his eyes on a hamburger wrapper in the corner, wrapper’s turned pale, probably fifteen years old.

“We have a daughter now too,” say. “And I love her Danny. But the fucking truth of it is she doesn’t love me. She never stopped loving you Danny.”

He’s not letting you see those white eyes of his. He’s not letting on that he’s hearing a word.

“I’d like to crack open your head and drag you up to the surface just so she can see once and for all that you’re gone,” you’ll say to him. “Pretty neat trick. Disappear without a word of goodbye or why, and make sure someone out there keeps on loving you no matter how deep a hole you end up dying in.”

“I didn’t tell nobody what to feel for me,” Danny will say.

Step around and get your eyes in front of his. “That’s the thing about feelings Danny,” say. “People just go ahead and have em whether you want em to or not.”

Danny will bend his knees and crouch to the ground. It looks like he might feel sick.

“I gotta go get back to work,” say to him. “I gotta make money to keep a roof over the head of the love of your life. I’d tell her I saw you but my daughter don’t need her mommy running away to live underground with a son of a bitch.”

Danny’s on all fours by now. Tell him he has ten days before demolition comes in and blows the ceiling to the floor, then turn around and leave him there on his hands and knees.

Happy In The Tunnels Day!

Dollhouse Moment Day!

Tell your boss you're sorry but you're having a dollhouse moment and he should get away from you.

It's one of those moments when you're suddenly a little girl again on your knees on the bedroom carpet staring into the windows of your second-hand dollhouse wondering whether you'll ever live somewhere quite so idyllic. Wondering whether your hair will be as blond as that doll's, and whether your kitchen will be as spacious as the one you see through those windows. She's fixing a pot roast for her husband, who's out making money as a salesman. You can see her right now. You can almost touch her hair.

You reach out to touch the doll's hair, stroking your fingers against nothing. Your boss takes slow, measured steps in reverse toward his office.

"She had so many copper molds," you say. "They were shaped like fish and Christmas trees and hearts. They hung on the walls. She could have spent the rest of her life making meals with those molds."

Your boss has his hand on his doorknob by now. He'll wait for the right moment to turn the knob and slip inside. One step too soon and he'll rattle you, and you'll turn wild.

"I hated her then and I hate her now," you say. "I was a little girl who wished sadness upon her dolls. When I played with the dollhouse, I'd have her husband come home and tell her he lost his job, and that they had to sell the dollhouse. Then I'd take the dolls from the house and I'd leave the house empty for weeks. Other times the husband doll wouldn't come home. That blond doll would sit at her beautiful kitchen table and wait. I'd keep the light on while I slept, knowing that while I was dreaming in my bed, she was awake, wondering how she could have such a beautiful house and such beautiful blond hair and a husband who doesn't come home at night."

Your boss made it. He's in his office, the door locked, the phone to his ear. Your phone's going to ring in a moment.

"But now when I see it, I can't touch it. I can't make the husband stay away. I can't take them out of their beautiful house. She won. She gets to live in that house forever, and all I can do is sit behind my desk and watch."

Pick up your ringing phone and hear your boss say, "You're having a dollhouse moment. You told me to call you from a safe distance when this happened and to tell you this isn't real. Push the tip of a pen through the skin of your leg and tell me what you feel."

You do as he says. "I feel pain."

"Do you know where you are now?"

Say yes and thank him. He'll put down the script you typed for him and he'll tell you that when you come back from the bathroom in a half hour, he'll again go over today's assignments with you. Before you hang up, he'll tell you that he thinks you and he are getting better control over these moments, and that he's proud of you.

Happy Dollhouse Moment Day!

Card Shark Day!

He's a card shark mama. He can pull into town and rob every table blind and they don't know what hit em until he's already on the train. He once left a table with seventeen thousand dollars in his pocket, all won through dishonest means. He's got suits with more pockets than I got pores on my skin. He's been shot at twice, strung up to be hanged once even but his Mexican compadre at the time rode in and saved the day with the swipe of a hatchet. He can bluff his way into heaven and out of hell, I swear to you mama. And he wants to marry me. Me! Oh mama, I know he seems all flash and pin stripes, but once you get to know him you'll see that it's only to throw off the stink of poverty he's carried with him ever since his childhood working on the river. He's just trying to make a better life for himself mama. Isn't that what we're all trying to do? He just happens to make his by dealing from the bottom of the deck and shoving jacks inside the double lining on his jacket. Is that so much different from you or me?

"It's very different from you or me," Mama will say. "You made a better life for yourself by starting your own new media advertising firm specializing in pharma. And I made a better life for myself by being Lynn L Elsenhans, President, Chairman and CEO of Sunoco."

He said you'd react this way mama. He said you'd tell me all about what a different class of man he is than you or me. He said you'd say your full name like I hadn't heard it over and over again on 60 Minutes. But he gave me something that don't care about class Mama. He gave me a gift that don't care about banner ads for drug companies or oil company fortunes. He gave me a child. I'm pregnant mama. I'm pregnant with his baby and it's a boy. A Boy mama! I'm gonna have a card shark's son, and there's nothing you or Daddy can do about it.

"Like hell," Mama will say. "I am Lynn L Elsenhans, President, Chairman and CEO of fucking Sunoco! And you, young lady, are going to get an abortion! Guards!"

Mama's guards will grab you by the arms and drag you to the abortion clinic in the basement of the Sunoco building. As you're dragged away, Mama will mutter under her breath, "Lynn L fuckin Elsenhans. President, Chairman, and goddamn CEO. Mother-in-law to a goddamn card shark? Pish."

Happy Card Shark Day!

Martin's In New York Day!

You've been married for eleven years, have had two wonderful children with a wonderful man. You have a job you love, friends you never thought you'd ever be able to hang onto after the way you treated them back when all the messiness happened, and you can pretty much spend a lot of your time marveling at how perfectly things have turned out for you.

"I made a vow though," you explain to your husband as you load the clip of your handgun. "I told him if he ever set foot in this city again, I'd blow his fucking head off."

Your husband pleads with you to just let it go, that he was just a bad boyfriend.

"There are degrees of bad," explain. "Sometimes, you can be such a bad boyfriend that you deserve nothing less than a messy death. Seriously, he convinced me that holidays like Christmas were for the intellectually weak. He deserves to die."

Your husband will ask you if killing him is worth having your daughters visit you in jail.

"Yeah," say. "Yeah it is. If I don't kill him, our little girls might think it's okay for a guy to be as bad a boyfriend as he was, that you should forgive boyfriends like that when in fact the reality is boyfriends like that surrender the right to house their brains inside their skulls. I mean it, he used to videotape British sitcoms off of PBS, the ones with the wigs and the screaming."

"Videotape?" your husband will confirm.

Nod. Tell him you had a whole library of VHS tapes of that one in the department store.

Your husband will ask you to at least wear a vest.

"No need," say. "He thinks violence is for people who went to public school."

Your husband will say, "I think I'm starting to support you in this."

Kiss him and tell him he's the best man there ever was, then strap up and go shoot your ex-boyfriend in the face.

Happy Martin's In New York Day!

Your Sister's Cellmate Day!

Today you're going to have to give up your fun-loving bachelor's lifestyle when your sister tells you that her cellmate wants you to raise her son while she's in jail.

"But I go on two dates a night with hot babes!" you'll complain. "Now I have to raise a kid? This is such a turn of the tables! Such a turn of the tables!"

Your sister will explain that her cellmate, Gladys, has promised to set your sister on fire if you don't raise her son.

"So I guess you have no choice but to give up the party life and start being a dad to a boy in need of some tough love. You might learn something about yourself."

Tell her that you've already learned something about yourself. You've learned that you hate having an arsonist for a sister.

"You mean you hate having an arsonist who got caught for a sister. You didn't mind so much back when you needed someone to set fire to that 800 acre expanse of forest."

Ask her why Gladys wants you to raise her son and your sister will say that she guesses she might have mentioned that you were a great big brother to her, that underneath your hard-partying demeanor is a really nurturing soul.

That will bring a tear to your eye, and you'll agree to do it. When you meet Gladys's son, he'll knife you in the leg and you'll never walk without a limp again, but then the two of you will find common ground and he'll win a spelling bee or something.

Happy Your Sister's Cellmate Day!

Phil Cartwright Day!

Phil Cartwright is outside your house screaming your daughter's name.

"You're 18 now," tell her. "You can do what you want with whomever you want, regardless of how long they've been in my employ as a Vice President of Northeastern Regional Promotion."

Your daughter will thank you for respecting her autonomy.

"But you're still my dad," she'll say. "And I'd like your advice."

Tell her what the former Mrs. Cartwright told you about Phil back when you and she were having an affair, that Phil only wants a woman to stand witness to his failure as a man.

"He only seduces women so they'll one day leave him," tell your daughter. "The way Phil's mother left Phil and his Dad when Phil was seven."

Your daughter will listen to Phil shout her name again. You'll see her flinch, like she wants to run to the window but she's afraid to in front of you.

"But women are drawn to him," tell her. "Because they all wanna be the one to prove mama wrong."

Your daughter will look at you, and she'll see the blessing in your smile.

"What about college?" she'll ask.

Tell her college can wait. Love's a little more impatient.

"I'm sure I can get a refund on your first semester's tuition," tell her. "Go."

Your daughter will kiss your cheek, say thanks daddy, then run out the door and into Phil Cartwright's big puffy arms. When they're done kissing, Phil will see you watching from the window, and he'll wave up at you.

"I'm almost done with the Hobart & Heinz presentation," Phil will say. "It's really gonna knock their socks off Monday morning."

"Now one thing I won't abide is you wasting my daughter's time talking shop," say to Phil. "You two go home and be with each other. And I mean completely!"

Phil will make a pistol with his hands and shoot you a "no sweat." He'll pick up your daughter the way you used to when she was just a little girl, he'll put her in his Camry, and you'll watch their taillights disappear.

Happy Phil Cartwright Day!

Michigan Day!

She said Michigan.

"No," say.

She won't stop packing her suitcase.

"No, I said." Pick up her suitcase and throw it against the wall. Her clothes will spill out all over the floor. She won't even blink. She'll just bend her knees and start gathering up her things, right the suitcase, and continue readying her leave.

"It's called Jack and Nina's Auto Body."

"I'll pay for the cost of a new sign."

Tell her you don't want a new sign. Tell her you don't want to fix cars without her. Tell her it's gonna be cold there.

"You knew I'd go back," she'll say. "You had to know."

Storm out. You'll spend the next few months telling customers that Nina's visiting family. One morning, a man you've only seen in pictures will come to the counter and hand you twelve hundred dollars.

"Take my wife's name off your sign," he'll say.

Take the money and ask him how long he thinks he'll be able to hang onto her this time, how long he'll be able to keep her name on his auto body shop's sign, before she goes and finds someone new to fall in love and open a new auto body shop with.

He'll offer his hand for you to shake.

"You know Nina," he'll say. "You know as well as I a woman like that don't hang around nobody forever. But until she leaves, her name ain't gonna be on no other man's auto body shop sign."

Shake his hand and wish him luck. When you let go, you'll know for sure that she's never coming back to you. She might not stay with her husband, but she's never coming back to you.

Happy Michigan Day!

That Guy Has A Boat Too Day!

Your wife thinks you should just sail over and talk to him.

"No, he's probably busy," you'll say. "I'd just be bugging him."

Your wife thinks that he'd probably enjoy talking to another guy who has a boat.

"It's something you have in common. You can ask him how he got so much money that he decided he'd better throw some away on a boat, then you can tell him about how you made a killing buying out underwater mortgages from families who'd been bodily removed from their homes by sheriffs."

You know your wife won't get off your back about this until you finally break down and talk to the guy, so you sail your boat next to his and you shout over to him, "Hi! I see you have a boat."

The guy will fall all over himself to engage you.

"Yeah, you too huh? How about that?" he'll say. "How much money do you have?"

Tell him exactly how much money you have, including assets and long-term investments. Tell him how much your house would sell for if you put it on the market today.

"Wow," he'll say. "We, like, almost have the exact same amount of money!"

He'll start to cry and you won't have to ask why. He feels what you feel. Relief, that finally, at long last, there's someone out there who is able to buy just as much stuff as him.

"I once sailed around the world," say to him. "I did it looking to have a conversation just like this one. Sailed around the world, and here I didn't even have to leave the marina."

Later tonight, you and the other guy with a boat will go below deck on his boat to drink some really fucking expensive brandy and talk about the most disgusting/astonishing acts you ever paid human beings to perform for your sexual arousal. Congratulations on making a brand new friend at age 51.

Happy That Guy Has A Boat Too Day!

Die Buddy Day!

Everyone attending a public high school gets to pick their Die Buddy today. Sometime between first period and the closing bell, you have to kiss someone on the mouth, and whomever you kiss, that's your Die Buddy, the person who will die on the same day as you, someday in the unknowable future.

"Does this mean we'll die together? Will we die in each other's arms, or at least, will we die in the same prison camp, side-by-side before the same firing squad?" you ask.

The answer is not necessarily. You and your Die Buddy could die on opposite sides of the world, one of you dying of natural causes while the other dies from a live hand grenade stuffed into his mouth. The only thing certain is that you will die during the same 24-hour period (Greenwich Mean Time, in case the two of you are in different time zones).

However, many Die Buddies do end up dying together, simply because as Die Buddies you'll feel an urge to stay in touch, to find out if this Die Buddy program is legit (it is), and that will keep you in each other's orbit. The bond of knowing you're going to die during the same 24 hour period can often be misinterpreted as a bond of affection or mutual attraction so you might strike up a romance. Keep in mind that many Die Buddies who become romantically involved find that when the day of passing arrives, they realize that their bond was nothing more than a shared anticipation for the final moment. They regret having given their companionship to a Die Buddy. They regret having never tried to love someone for the way they lived.

"What happens if I don't kiss someone and don't pick my die buddy today?" you ask.

The answer is that you will lose your eyesight.

Happy Die Buddy Day!

He Drinks Tea Now Day!

Your Dad's back.

"Yeah, back in town. Looking for a way to stay out of trouble," he'll tell you at the coffee shop where you agreed to meet.

Tell him you won't let him see his grandchildren, and that after this afternoon you would appreciate if he'd never contact you directly again until someone handling his estate reaches you to tell you how much of his debt you've just inherited because he died by setting himself on fire in bed or driving through the front door of a school or one of the many other horrible ways in which everyone has always assumed he'd leave this earth.

"Tea," he'll say to the waitress when she appears to take your orders. "Chamomile if you have it."

Ask him when he switched from coffee to tea, then tell him never mind, you don't care, and then show him the scar on your arm.

"I'd take my own life if it would take that mark off your skin," he'll say.

Watch him sip his tea and tell him you're not buying it. That just because he's holding a little teacup in between the small of his index finger and thumb, it doesn't shorten Mom's prison sentence.

"I never asked her to take the rap for me," he'll say.

"But she did," tell him.

Your Dad will suggest that maybe the two of you should make the most of your mother's sacrifice, and keep the family together in her absence.

"Tea," say to him. Say it as a question.

Leave feeling like you really gave him the business, but in a few months you're going to invite him to your home for Sunday dinner with his grandkids, and a week or two after that the two of you will go and visit your Mom together, then finally he'll die pulling one of your kids out of the way of a speeding car, and you'll cry for him at his funeral, and none of it would ever come to pass had he ordered coffee today.

Happy He Drinks Tea Now Day!