Today you're going to be freed from the basement where you've been held captive for several years. The darkness and silence has turned you mad, and you'll have trouble grasping onto your sense of self. The emptiness of the basement robbed you of your ability to distinguish your own personhood from the surrounding environment, and so when people ask you questions you don't know that you're being addressed. Other people's voice are indistinguishable from your own thoughts. Physical pain inflicted on your body is understood as "the way the world is now." You have no idea that you exist.
"Bet you're ready for a tasty Baconator," a man in a suit will say as he holds a large burger covered in bacon in front of your face.
"This man is from Wendy's," the policeman will say. "They sponsored your rescue. Take a bite of that hamburger while the camera is filming you, then we'll take you to the hospital."
You'll howl wordlessly.
"Just put the Baconator in your mouth and your rape kit's paid for," the man from Wendy's will say.
You'll jerk one of your arms in the air, with no intent.
"We fought tooth and nail to win the chance to sponsor this rescue," the man from Wendy's will whisper in your ear. "The whole world's waiting to see you freed and rejoin society. Just bite into the Baconator and give a thumbs up."
You'll open your mouth to bite him in the face, but he knows how these rescues usually go down, and he'll take that split-second opportunity to shove the burger in your mouth and then work your jaw to chew.
The burger will taste delicious. This is the way the world is now. It's bacon-y.
After the man from Wendy's forces one of your thumbs into the air, you'll be rushed to the hospital where the unimaginable truth of your horrific 3-year ordeal will finally be revealed, sponsored by Wendy's.
Happy Your Rescue From A Basement After Many Many Years, Sponsored By Wendy's Day!
