Topless Tim and Pantsless Paul are coming over to break the news to you that the kid you were mentoring through Big Brothers just got sent to jail for gun possession.
"But I thought I was getting through to him!" you'll shout.
Topless Tim will reach out to give you a hug and say, "You did all you could." But you'll push Topless Tim away and shout, "Can you just put on one of my shirts before you do that?"
Topless Tim will assume you're just taking your frustration out on him. Pantless Paul will say, "You gave that kid a lot. But he was already headed down this road. You couldn't have stopped him."
Pantless Paul will sit beside you on your bed and rub your back. You'll shove him off.
"Your buttcrack is on my comforter! Get off."
You'll get up and go to your dresser and pull out a clean pair of white briefs.
"Put these on. Please!"
Pantsless Paul will look at the underwear and shout, "Look, I know you're upset but that's no reason to try and tell us how to live our lives!"
"I just want you to put on pants while you're around me!" you'll say.
You'll look down and see that Pantsless Paul's scrotum has gone taut and he is semi-erect.
"Do you have to pee?"
Pantsless Paul will say, "I don't know."
Topless Tim will then yank you into a strong bearhug and he will be damp because your apartment is too warm. He'll slide and slither his torso against yours, trying to hold you tight against the grief you feel. But only be able to pay attention to the breadcrumb you saw in his chest hair before he hugged you, knowing that that breadcrumb is probably now stuck in your chest hair.
"Can you just put a shirt on!" you'll shout as you shove Topless Tim away.
Pantsless Paul will say, "You have a lot of advice to give for a guy whose Big Brother mentee just got sent to prison."
You'll demand that Topless Tim and Pantsless Paul leave you alone. After they're gone you'll pick the breadcrumb from your chest hair and wonder why good kids make bad mistakes.
Happy Topless Tim and Pantsless Paul Day!
