Today you’re going to get struck by lightning so that you can acquire new magical powers. It’s going to hurt and you’ll be in a coma for a little while so you’re going to miss your Dad’s birthday, but it’ll be worth it when you’re able to touch people and find out how they’re gonna die or whatever.
“So what’d I get?” you’ll ask the doctor when he takes the bandages off your head.
“You got struck by lightning,” he’ll say.
“No, I know that. What powers do I have now? Can I see through walls?”
The doctor points to the wall. “I don’t know. Can you?”
You look at the wall. “Nope. Can I hear people’s thoughts?”
The doctor will look at you and wait. Then, “Did you hear that?”
“Nope,” you’ll say.
“I was thinking you were an idiot.”
“I didn’t hear it. Come on Doc. What’d I get from the lightning? I don’t want to have to wait a few weeks until one day I see a flash and all of a sudden I’m turning sand into pebbles.”
“That’s a power?”
“Could be.”
“Okay,” the doctor said. “I can’t be sure. But I think you might be able to kill people just by saying the word ‘really.’”
“Really?” you’ll say. The doctor will drop to the ground.
“Oh shit!”
The doctor will get back up, laughing hysterically.
“I’m just kidding. You didn’t get any magical powers. You just got struck by lightning you moron. Why does everyone think getting struck by lightning can turn them into superpeople? It's sad. Your life must be really empty that this is all you're hoping for.”
You’ll get so angry that you’ll grow twenty times your size and burst through the roof. After squeezing the doctor into goo with your fist, start running from helicopters.
Happy Get Struck By Lightning Day!
