You and your girlfriend get into a good screaming fight around four times a week, and you both love to pelt each other with dishes and glassware and small appliances. The trouble is, money is tight these days since your girlfriend is getting ready to go back to school (Pharmacy) and you are being blackmailed by a college-age intern boy you seduced in your office (Craig). So lately, whenever you and your girlfriend fight you feel reined in, like you have to constantly second-guess yourselves before you launch fondue pots and champagne flutes at each other's faces. In short, you feel like your money worries are keeping you from expressing how you really feel for each other.
That's why today you should purchase renter's insurance. For less than 50 bucks a month you can insure nearly every item of value in your apartment. You'll notice a difference when you next fight. You're going to feel free to fling whatever knick-knack happens to be closest and most dangerous when your blood comes to a boil, just like when you two first met. Since your policy will only allow you to file a claim after a robbery or damage of some kind to the building (fire, flood, locusts), you'll have to file a police report after every fight and claim to have been robbed. The neighbors will have heard you fighting, so be sure to leave the apartment for a few hours after every scuffle. That way no one can tell the police you were in the apartment fighting immediately before calling 911 about a robbery. With renter's insurance, not only can anything you own be used as a weapon, when the claim is approved and you get that check it's going to feel like you just won a shopping spree at a store called, "Brand New Shit To Bury In Each Other's Big Wrong Heads."
So go get that policy. Or, break up. Fast. It's getting bad.
Happy Renter's Insurance Day!
