Everyone’s Dying But You Day!

There’s a killer virus going around and everyone has it but you. Your friends, your family, your boss, even your mailman. They’re all being crippled with violent vomiting and convulsions and eye sockets that spurt blood suddenly. The death toll rises every day, and every day it’s just a little more amazing that you aren’t sick. It seems pretty clear that you’ll soon be the last man on earth. And all you can think about is your Pokemon card collection.

“Can I have your Pokemon cards when you die,” you ask pretty much everyone in your life when you visit their deathbeds. They usually either tell you that they aren’t even sure what Pokemon cards are, or they tell you that they’d rather use this time to say the things that have never been said.

“I’d feel really freed up to speak my heart if I knew what was going to happen to those Pokemon cards,” you say.

Your friends and loved ones who collect Pokemon cards will then usually tell you that they feel like you should be worried about more than Pokemon cards. For example, you might want to think about when the human race ends, which race will rise up to take its place.

That’s when you take a catheter in your fist and you threaten, “The Pokemon cards. Now.” They then sign the transfer of ownership for their collections and you do a little dance. Then you take a seat and talk about the old times.

Once everyone is dead, you’ll start breaking into homes hunting down the cards still missing from your collection. Unfortunately, one Pokemon owner who wanted to go to the afterworld as the sole owner of his collection will have boobytrapped his album of cards so that when you open it, three mounted shotguns with triggers tied to the album cover will fire and blow large holes through your head and chest and your right arm will be severed at the shoulder.

Happy Everyone’s Dying But You Day!

Get Your Algebra Teacher To Fall In Love With Your English Teacher Day!

Your algebra teacher and your English teacher are both bitter, angry individuals who love failing you. You’ve been trying to come up with a way to get both of them off your back, and the most economical way to do that, according to your calculations and your familiarity with classic English literature, is to get them to fall in love.

If they fall in love, you figure, it’s possible that they’ll be happier and they’ll discover there’s more to life than getting on your case because you decided to play Halo instead of read Chaucer or that handout about fractions.

You get them to fall in love by setting a trap wherein you loosen the lug nuts on your algebra teacher’s tires and her car goes off the road. It so happens that that’s the very same road that your English teacher drives home on every night. He’ll recognize your algebra teacher’s car as he passes, and he’ll call a tow truck for her and then let her know the next day that he’s the one who called.

“My hero,” your algebra teacher will say.

They’ll fall in love and spend a few days together before their shared bitterness feeds on itself and they both start to see each other as representative of all that they’ve settled for on the road to becoming public school teachers. They fight until someone says something regrettable and they’re both dead before you can say murder-suicide.

It didn’t quite work out the way you thought, but you’ll still end up with two periods with substitute teachers until the replacements are called in. Congrats, dumbass.

Happy Get Your Algebra Teacher To Fall In Love With Your English Teacher Day!

You’re In A Raft Day!

Today you’re going to wake up in a raft speeding along some rapids towards a giant waterfall and you won’t remember how you got there. You drink too much.

Happy You’re In A Raft Day!

Get Your Mother’s Wedding Ring Back By Proposing To The Pawn Shop Lady You Sold It To Day!

When your mother died, she gave you her wedding ring in her will, with the instruction that you give it to the woman you’ll eventually marry. A year later you discovered online gambling and it wasn’t long before you were forced to pawn the ring. You’re older now and lonely and you want to make some semblance of the life your mother hoped you’d make for yourself. So go to the pawn shop and tell Inez behind the counter that you’d like to give her the ring you pawned if she’ll give you her hand in matrimony.

“For so very long I’ve loved you from afar Inez,” say to her.

“Que?” Inez will reply, the tears forming in her eyes.

“For so very long I wondered if you would have me. If you would think me worthy.”

“Oh!” Inez will reply. She’ll clutch the locket around her neck which you know contains the photo of her first husband, ten years deceased.

Grab her hand from the locket and hold it in yours. “You’ve mourned long enough. It’s time for someone to make you happy again.”

Point into the glass case at your mother’s ring. “You’ve had a very long time to get acclimated to it. Will you wear it for me? Inez, will you be my wife?”

Inez will take the ring from the case and she’ll put it on her finger. Then she’ll throw her arms around your neck and kiss you. And then, at long last, she’ll lay the ring’s price tag on the counter, strike through the $900 with a pen, write $500 below it, and then you’ll count out five hundred dollar bills on the counter. When Inez writes up your receipt it will feel as ceremonial as if the two of you were signing your marriage certificate.

Happy Get Your Mother’s Wedding Ring Back By Proposing To The Pawn Shop Lady You Sold It To Day!

You Have An Axe In Your Face Day!

It’s hard fitting in in high school when you have an axe impaled in your face that can’t be removed without causing severe brain damage, so you basically just have to walk around looking like you’ve just been attacked by a crazed serial killer (the axe was impaled in your face when you decided to save a little money by enrolling in the cheaper juggling class).

The Senior Snowball dance is just around the corner and you want to ask a girl. Unfortunately, every time you get a girl’s attention and she turns to face you, she screams at the top of her lungs. It breaks your heart a little more every single time. But you have a good spirit so you keep trying to show the other kids that there’s a heck of a personality behind that axe in your face from which sometimes blood spurts out down your neck and chest. You’ve learned how to break dance and you also drive your Dad’s car to school and you offer people rides. But it doesn’t stop them from screaming whenever they look at you, even when they’ve been in your company for hours. That axe in your face never gets old.

Today you're going to ask Susan to the dance. You’ve loved Susan from afar for a while now. When you say her name she’ll turn, smile, then let out a howl of terror and run through a window and die. You’ll get so pissed that you’ll begin your killing spree of headbutts.

Happy You Have An Axe In Your Face Day!

Your Very First Ride On A Plane Day!

You’re nine years old and today’s your very first time riding on an airplane! More than that, you’re flying all by yourself to meet your Dad in Tucson (he finally was granted visitation rights). You’ll sure be excited when that plane starts to taxi down the runway. And then when you’re in the air, they’ll even give you free soda. All you want! About half way through the flight a man will sit down next to you and ask if you’d like to join the mile high club. Don’t ask him what that means, he’s just making a grown up joke. The real reason he’s sitting next to you is your father stole several billion dollars from his government and he’s going to call your father from the airphone and tell him that unless the money is wired back into his government’s account before your scheduled landing time, he’ll detonate the explosives he’s snuck on the plane and kill everyone in flight, including you. The man is very excited to die for his country and his God, so he shouldn’t be messed with. When you’re put on the phone to prove you’re okay, your dad will give you the secret signal he taught you a long time ago, the signal that says it’s time for you to fuck shit up because the fate of many people is in your hands.

“Time for Squidward to come out and play,” your Dad will say.

You’ll hang up the phone. Then you’ll show the world that nine years is more than old enough to shove a motherfuckers nose cartilage up into his brain cavity. Good luck defusing that bomb kiddo. Thanks for flying Jerry Bruckheimer Airlines.

Happy Your Very First Ride On A Plane Day!

Find The Guy Who Donated His Sperm To Your Mom Day!

You’re twenty-four and you’re leading a pretty good life. It’s about time you found the guy who donated the sperm that your mom was inseminated with. She got the sperm from a sperm bank and you read that you can initiate a legal action to learn the identity of the donor. Go for it!

After you find out his identity, go knock on his door and tell him you’re his son.

“Proud of me?” ask him.

“I hate you,” your father will tell you. “I never wanted a son. I wanted fifty bucks. In fact, I still need fifty bucks. If you want to make me proud, give me fifty bucks.”

You give your Dad fifty bucks and he makes a call to place a bet on tonight’s football game. While he’s on the phone, he slams the door on you. You get back into your car and drive home knowing that you just made your Daddy proud.

Happy Find The Guy Who Donated His Sperm To Your Mom Day!

Sleepwalk Day!

Tonight after you fall asleep, get up in your pajamas and walk around the streets with your arms out in front of you like a zombie. Then do all the shit that would piss people off if you did it during the day while you were awake. You can get away with anything while sleepwalking and no one will try and stop you because they’ve all heard that when you wake up a sleepwalker he becomes ravenous for human flesh. They’ll just follow you a few paces behind, making sure you don’t walk into an open manhole or a bonfire. So you can totally wander into a gym and walk straight into the women’s locker room, or go to a Crate and Barrel and just start banging pots and pans together while screaming racist slurs. Or, you could get onto a commercial airliner that isn’t boarding yet (they can’t stop you!) wander into the cockpit and pilot the plane to the Bahamas. Just make sure you keep walking around with your arms out in front of you because the minute those arms drop to your sides, all bets are off and you’re suddenly nothing more than a pervy racist hijacker in his pajamas with one hell of a story to tell.

Happy Sleepwalk Day!

Get Thumbnailed Day!

Anybody who’s anybody has a thumbnail image of his or her self somewhere on the internet, so that when someone clicks on that thumbnail, it expands to a full size photo or video clip. It’s about time you got one of yourself. All you have to do is take a photograph of your genitals or bosom. If you don’t want to do that, you have to become famous and then go to a beach wearing a swimsuit that makes you look either smokin’ or disgusting. If you want the thumbnail to link to a video clip, videotape your genitals or bosom while things are being done to them, either by you or other parties. OR, become famous and then say something racist either while wearing a swimsuit or in normal clothes. Your call. These are the only ways you can get thumbnailed. Try anything else, like a sniper attack, and you’re just going to end up as a photograph in a print newspaper above the caption “The Freeway Sniper just minutes before he was gunned down by police. Yes, that is a swimsuit he is wearing, and yes, total hogsville.”

Happy Get Thumbnailed Day!