You’re pretty shy around women, which is why you’re still a virgin at 34. You’ve pretty much been counting on the fact that one day a woman’s car is going to break down outside your house and she’ll need a place to stay for the night and inevitably, because you’re both alone in your house, the two of you will do it. It hasn’t happened yet but you’re pretty confident that at some point in the next few years at least one woman’s car will have to break down outside. Just in case, you keep the lights on in your living room all night long so it looks like someone’s home, and you also spend a lot of time sitting by the window staring out at the street.
Tonight a car is going to sputter to a stop right outside and a beautiful woman will get out and walk toward your house. But at the last minute, she’ll end up knocking on your neighbor’s door to ask for help. He’ll invite her in and you’ll hear the two of them doing it through the wall. You will be sad.
They’ll live together for several years until he starts doing drugs and inviting dangerous people over to their house and she comes running next door to you for a place to crash for a while. Your neighbor will come by looking for her (he needs money) and you’ll tell him to go away, so he’ll come back with all of his drug addict friends. You’re going to have to fight and kill them all if you want to finally be alone in your apartment with the woman whose car broke down right outside (which can only mean sex, even if her car broke down three years ago, she’ll see it as the funny way that fate works and she’ll want to do it just to have the story to tell about how fate works in funny ways and you never know).
Time to get lucky. Now kill all those drug addicts!
Happy Lose Your Virginity Day!
