A high-end department store is hiring salesmen in their Men’s Suits department. Before you apply, put lots of grease into your long, gray, curly hair and then pull it into a pony tail. Look disgusting? Perfect! Now get into that HR office and impress.
“Why do you want to sell suits?” the interviewer will ask.
“I’m too gross to wait tables. I look like a rapist, whether I am one or not, so I can’t be a high-rise building’s doorman. I’m covered in thick body hair, which makes me really hot in the summer, so I can’t work construction. I’m the worst man alive, so I figured, might as well sell suits.”
“I notice you’re not spitting when you talk.”
Don’t say anything.
“I say I notice you’re not spitting when you talk,” the interviewer will repeat.
Look contrite. “I have chronic cotton mouth. I don’t spit when I talk, you’re right. But it makes my breath smell terrible. Win some, lose some.”
The interviewer will appear to be thinking it over. Quickly hand the interviewer an invite to a swingers’ party, and your case will made. By this weekend terrified men of all walks of life will have no choice but to let you touch their persons.
Happy Sell Suits Day!