You testified against a mob boss a few years back and now you're in the witness protection program with a pretty stable job selling information technology products that you don't quite understand, but your days on the streets taught you enough to know how to close a deal.
The only problem with your job is that the company has been aggressively pushing its carpooling program, and everyone thinks you're a wasteful, polluting, Saudi loving dick because you refuse to share rides with people. You can't tell them you're afraid that it's only a matter of time before your old friends back east track you down and give you what you deserve. You can't tell them you'd be late picking people up because you always park your car in a supermarket parking lot so that you can drive in circles around the empty lot in the morning, slamming on the brakes repeatedly to be sure no one's rigged them to fail midway through your drive. And when your carpool companions complain about the smell of your car, you wouldn't be able to explain that you have to pay a homeless person twenty bucks to start your engine every morning in case the ignition is rigged to blow. You can't tell them that you're just trying to protect innocent, hard-working citizens from the just consequences due for a sniveling, backstabbing rodent.
You're going to have to spread a rumor that you have a drinking problem. Get caught drinking and driving once. The company has a program in place to handle the rehab, and the cops can't put you away because they know you'll be killed by mob associates minutes after you arrive in your cell. Get pulled over and everyone will assume that you didn't want them to ride with you because you need to sip from a hip flask in order to see straight in the morning. Better that they see you as a drunk than that you turn their kids into orphans and their wives into widows on the day Fat Mikey finds out you been hiding out in Iowa ever since you turned rat.
Happy You Can't Join The Carpool Program Day!
