Tonight at the opening of Wally's Walls, your friend Wally's new showroom for his custom wallpaper business, you will be stunned by the aggressive advances of a woman who is far more attractive than any woman who has seen fit to pull you into an embrace.
'My name is Tara,' the woman will say, 'And the minute I saw you I knew you would be taking me home to your apartment tonight. Do we go now or will you torture me by making me wait.'
You'll tell Tara that you'd really feel bad about leaving before your friend unveils this year's designs. Tara will press her lips upon yours with such ferocity you'll start walking backwards under the force of her face until you feel a blast of cold air in your ears and you stumble out onto the sidewalk.
'Looks like you already left,' Tara will say. She'll kiss you again while hailing a cab and she won't set your lips free until she has opened the door behind you and is ready to grab you by the top of your head, like a cop would a perp, and shove you into the backseat.
In the cab you'll give the driver your address and Tara will kiss you the entire way home, not letting you speak a single word. Once upstairs and in your apartment, you'll finally feel in control and for the first time all night you'll step towards Tara and lean in to kiss her first.
'Freshen up,' Tara will say. You'll think she means that she'd like to use the bathroom and you'll direct her down the hall. She'll say, 'No, you first,' and you'll realize that she'd like you to go and brush your teeth. You obey.
While brushing, you'll hear what you assume to be the neighbors banging on your wall. You'll rinse your mouth out, strip down to nothing, and then you'll step back into your bedroom to find Tara pulling several stacks of hundred dollar bills wrapped in plastic from the hole she's dug into the wall with a small ball peen hammer.
The only thing you'll think to say is, 'That's not my hammer.'
'I brought it with me,' Tara will say. She'll glance at your nakedness. 'Nice body hunk, but you didn't get lucky tonight. I used to live here and I stashed this money in the wall when I had to split in kind of a hurry. I'm leaving now and you'd better not get in my way.'
While Tara stuffs the stacks of bills (there has to be at least $50,000 there) into her bag, you'll start to feel a little bad. But you'll look back on the makeout session at the showroom and in the cab and you'll cheer up. Even though it was just her means to a hidden end, you'll still be glad to have been able to grope and kiss someone so out of your league and you'll decide that tonight counts as a partial score, regardless of the duplicity behind it all.
'I'll take it,' you'll whisper to yourself. Tara will turn and almost ask what you said, then she'll think better of it.
Just then you'll hear the squealing of rubber on the street below. You and Tara will run to the window to see two black SUVs unloading several passengers armed to the hilt and running into your building.
'Take this,' Tara will say. She'll shove a Glock in your hand. 'When that front door opens, shoot whoever comes through. You'd better get dressed.'
'Do I have to?' you'll ask.
Tara will shrug. She'll lift your mattress on its side and use it for cover. You'll get behind the mattress with Tara and stand close enough to her for your sides to touch. Anyone who saw it would not be able to deny that she is technically touching you while you're totally naked. 'It counts,' you'll whisper to yourself.
Tara will again ignore your whispering. She'll say, 'Sorry hunk, but boy did you ever not get lucky tonight.'
'I beg to differ,' you'll whisper. Tara will tell you that she heard you that time and it was kind of creepy. The footsteps on the stairs outside will grow louder and your heart will beat faster as the warmth of Tara's body caresses your naked left side.
'Creepy,' Tara will say once more before the door bursts open and the gunshots start to fly.
Happy You Didn't Get Lucky Day!
