You got raped by the devil after your ex-husband made a secret deal with some Satanists to get himself a promotion at his job (he writes e-cards for Blue Mountain) in exchange for granting demonic access to your womb. When the baby came out (you named him Corey), you were pretty pissed that he inherited Satan's fugly eyes, but that was nothing a pair of color contacts couldn't fix. You've noticed a few eccentricities. For example, when he would spit up, live locusts would fly out of his mouth. But for the most part he's just like any other kid. And the important thing is you had a baby before you turned 35.
Corey's six now and he's proving to be something of a problem child in school. Teachers send you home notes complaining about his steady guttural growl during sustained silent reading periods. And while some boys throw rocks at girls they like, Corey was found in the coat closet lighting his index fingernail on fire so that he could carve ancient runes into the bare buttocks of three waiting female classmates. And during a class birthday last month, Corey snuck an extra cupcake out of the box and hid it in his desk.
Today you're being called into school because Corey is accused of having ruined a class portrait. He didn't make any silly faces or obscene hand gestures. When the proofs were developed, in the background, just behind Corey's shoulder, one could see the ethereal image of the photographer's dead mother being gang-raped by various demonic beings, as well as some of the more famous serial killers from history. The photographer has refused to print any of the photos and he has vowed to never shoot a portrait at Corey's school again. He has demanded an apology from Corey.
'Corey doesn't apologize I'm afraid,' you'll tell the principal. 'Whenever I ask him to say sorry he just starts shouting priest-fucker this and nun-pussy that. I just don't try any more.'
'So are we just supposed to not have any school portraits taken until your son moves on to middle school?' the principal will ask.
Tell the principal there's a little trick you use whenever you take Corey's picture. At the last minute, just before you snap the photo, you have to flash a mirror at Corey. The devil is able to believe that he's beautiful but when he looks in a mirror he sees that he's actually a pox-ridden snarling beast. It startles him and makes the visions he conjures disappear. In Corey's case, unfortunately, it also makes him defecate, so that will have to be attended to, but you'll at least get a photo without any rape ghosts.
The principal will thank you for the tip. Apologize for Corey's behavior and the principal will wave you off, telling you that he was something of a troublemaker himself when he was a kid. Just then, you'll hear a crash of glass and through the window behind the principal you'll see Corey's social studies teacher fall from the third floor to be impaled on a wrought-iron fence. You and the principal will shake your heads and say, 'Corey you fink!'
Happy School Portrait Day!
