Today your husband is going to have a heart attack at an outdoor caf'. Paramedics will be summoned to take your husband to the hospital. You'll ride in the back of the ambulance, holding his hand and lending an ear for any last words that he might want to get out.
'I never liked the sofa pattern you picked out,' he'll tell you. 'I was only trying to be cool about it.'
'That's perfectly all right,' you'll say. 'I'm so glad we can clear the air on stuff like this.'
'I have a second family,' he'll say. 'With Fran, the woman who used to manage my Chester County warehouse. We had a fling, but she got pregnant and wanted to keep it, so I supported them.'
'All those vacations you said we couldn't afford to take,' you'll say. Your husband will grunt and grab at his chest. You'll bet he's faking, but you won't challenge him on it.
'Which family did you love more?' you'll ask.
'Let's see,' your husband will say. Then he'll enumerate the pros and cons of each family. Apparently Fran raised his daughter to be an embezzler, but he blames you for raising your son to be an actor.
Finally you'll arrive at the hospital and the paramedics will rush your husband through the emergency entrance. A hospital administrator will come out to the ambulance and hand you a release form which grants HBO permission to use your exchange with your husband on their new series 'Ambulance Confessions.' He'll show you the hidden camera installed in the fake heart monitor. You'll say you're not sure.
The hospital administrator will ask whether your husband would have wanted to be on TV. You'll ask if that means your husband died already. The administrator will say he doesn't know, but if he did, which he might, would he have wanted to be on TV? You'll say he never mentioned it. The administrator will finally direct you to the clause that says you'll get paid 800 bucks. You'll say that it's not about the money for you. You'll explain to the administrator that there was a point in the confession where your husband said that you stayed thin, unlike his other wife Fran, who ballooned up like a dead whale. You'll tell the administrator you won't sign unless that part of the confession is guaranteed to air in its entirety. The administrator will draw up a new contract and you'll sign yourself famous.
Happy Ambulance Confessions Day!
