Your son needs some advice. He's got a girlfriend for the first time, and he really wants to have sex with her. Except, she's a Satanist and she doesn't want to go all the way until your son demonstrates that he loves her by slitting the throat of a housecat and drinking the blood in one chug.
'That's it?!' you'll exclaim. 'When I was your age we were lucky if we got it on the third night of the honeymoon! What's the problem?'
Your son will complain that he loves animals, especially cats, and he thinks it's unfair that her religion should dictate the terms of when they have sex. And he doesn't see why he can't just sip the blood casually over the course of a nice conversation.
'You hear that honey!' you'll shout to the boy's mother. She won't answer. 'Just be glad she's not Catholic, kid. Now let's go down to the shelter and get you a cat.'
Your son will tell you that the cat has to have six toes on each paw, but you won't let that discourage you. You'll take him to every pound in the state if you have to. You're not going to let him make the same mistakes you make. He shouldn't have to wait until he gets out of the army to experience the touch of a woman. With this Iraq thing, kids don't always get out of the army anymore.
Happy Your Son's Satanic Girlfriend Day!
