Even though you're one of the most attractive men anyone's ever seen ever, you've had a really rough year and you're presently penniless. Your old high school friend Marcus was nice enough to let you crash at his place until you get on your feet. Unfortunately though, Marcus has a girlfriend that he really loves and today after Marcus goes to work she's going to sneak onto your couch with you and try to have sex with you.
'No!' you'll say in a way that makes you even more adorable.
'Come on!' Marcus' girlfriend will shout as she pins both of your arms behind your head with one of her hands, using the other to pull your shorts down. Marcus' girlfriend is really strong and dexterous.
'Marcus is my good friend,' you'll say. 'He's been so nice. I couldn't do this to him. Please let me go I think I'm bruising.'
She will be just millimeters away from a kiss when she whispers into your mouth, 'Well I have to have you. So I guess I'll have to wait until you and Marcus aren't friends anymore.'
That won't sound too good, but you won't have time to think about it for too long because when she lets you go you'll run into the kitchen to ice up your wrists. This afternoon she'll steal Marcus' high school class ring from his jewelry case and take it to a nearby pawn shop, where she'll get thirty bucks for it. She'll stuff the thirty bucks under your mattress, and when Marcus comes home she'll tell him that she saw you in his room and then happened past a pawn shop and saw his ring in the window. Marcus will go and check the pawn shop before he comes back and confronts you.
'How'd the ring get there, buddy?' he'll say. 'And how'd that cash end up under your bed? You haven't had a dime to your name for the last two weeks. I can't believe you could steal the Golden Elk for a lousy thirty bucks.' The Golden Elk was the unofficial nickname for your high school's class rings since they all were designed with a large elk carved into the gold, the elk being your high school's mascot. The elk served to make the rings rather hideous and they tended to dominate the design.
You won't have it in you to tell Marcus that his girlfriend made a pass at you, and that she most likely framed you to destroy your friendship and ultimately sleep with you. So you'll just apologize and gather your things in a trash bag and go.
You're going to be living on the streets for a little while until your luck picks up. But the good news is you'll get to have sex with Marcus' girlfriend a lot (albeit only in public restrooms) since you and Marcus won't be friends anymore. On a scale of one to ten, you'll rate the sex with Marcus' girlfriend a five because you're a romantic and you never rate sex without love any higher than a five.
Happy You're Too Handsome To Remain Sheltered Day!
