Today you're going to take part in a focus group testing consumers' reactions to a new brand of bath soap called SCRUB. You signed up because you need the seventy-five dollars and because none of your friends are willing to listen to you anymore since all you'll talk about is Michelle. But in the focus group, you are required to speak freely and openly about all of your reactions and associations. Give them what they want!
When they ask for your initial reaction to the product name and description, say, 'Sharon used soap. Not this brand, but she used it. Guess she's using it right now to wash away all evidence of me. WHY!'
When you're given a bar of soap to smell, say, 'It smells like Sharon after she just got out of the shower. I mean, she didn't smell like this soap. She smelled like the soap that she used to use. But she'd smell soapy. WHY!'
When you're asked what you don't like about bar soap, say, 'When I used to soap up Sharon, I had trouble hanging onto it as I'd slide the bar down her wet naked body. It was because I wanted my fingers to touch her while the soap lathered her skin, but it was easier just grip the bar of soap and rub it onto her without ever really touching her with my fingertips. I'd have to kind of cup the bar in my palm as I washed her, and it would inevitably slip free into the tub. They should make a bar soap in a shape that is easier to manipulate when you want to wash the skin of a vicious sociopath who doesn't care about who she hurts. WHY!'
And when you're asked whether you would buy SCRUB before you'd buy DIAL, say, 'She's never coming back is she? Oh my God I just realized that she's probably never going to come back to me. AW GOD. WHY!'
You should get out with full pay after only around fifteen minutes, which will give you enough time to make it to the Dark Chocolate Flavored COMBOS focus group. You'll feel it on your way there: The people at the Dark Chocolate Flavored COMBOS focus group are going to help you forget all about her. Run to them.
Happy Make Today's Focus Group All About Your Breakup Day!