Brian is the first temp they've ever sent you who knows how to fix your Excel spreadsheets so that they don't print all of those blank pages at the end. He was working out perfectly. Then he fell madly in love with you and his work went straight down the shitter. You don't want to get rid of him, but you can't deal with a temp making goo-goo eyes at you all day. So you're going to have to do some horrible stuff to make him fall out of love with you and get back to work.
Remember what they taught you in business school. Getting a temp to fall out of love with you is easy as pie if you follow eight simple steps:
1. Pretend to be kind of gummy. Rub a watery, odorless lotion on your palms and make sure to touch Brian a lot, smearing the lotion on his skin and clothes. He'll assume it came from your sweaty palms, but it won't dry up so he'll think that you excrete something from your pours that's like sweat, but is kind of weird. Something kind of gummy. He won't be sure.
2. Pretend to be racist. When you pass Brian's desk today and he jumps from his chair to tell you that he showed up early to shine your staplers, say to him, 'Man, am I ever racist!' Then say some really terrible things about people of different ethnicities than yours.
3. Pretend to be callous. Show Brian a picture of a starving child. He'll ask if that's a child that you're sponsoring. Tell him that you actually arranged it so that you would sponsor two other children, on the condition that the child in the photo is deprived of food. 'They don't have enough food for everybody and they know it,' tell him. 'I just wanted to be the one to choose which child doesn't eat. If I have to feed two other kids to gain that privilege, so be it. I can afford to skip the two cups of coffee a day.'
4. Pretend to be addicted to cocaine. When you pass Brian's desk today and he jumps from his chair to tell you that he stayed late yesterday to top off your white-out bottles, say to him, 'Man, am I ever addicted to cocaine!' Then say some really nice things about cocaine. Then slam his head into his desk while accusing him of holding out on you
5. Pretend to be way into Christ. Unless he's way into Christ too. If he is, skip to number 6. But if he's not, it's just the bestest religion to pretend to be crazy about if you want to make someone fall out of love with you. Most dudes will take a racist over a Jesus-freak any day of the week.
6. Pretend to be his real mom. Tell him you put him up for adoption and you've been tracking him down for years. When you found out who his temp agency was, you requested him specifically just so you could spend your days with him. After a storm of emotion sends him home to accuse his mother of keeping the truth from him all these years and she tells him his supervisor is just pulling his chain, he'll come back and ask what the fuck. Explain to him that you're not his mother, but you wanted to get that idea in his head so he wouldn't think about you in a naked way anymore and he could get back to work. NOTE: It's not guaranteed he won't ask his temp agency to reassign him to a different company after this.
7. Pretend to unattractive. I know this sounds impossible for you, you sizzling piece of sex-poo. But it's important. Grow hair all over your face and neck.
8. Pretend to love him back. He just wants to chase what he can never catch. It's The Way Of The Temp.
If none of the above works, you're going to have to dive headfirst into a relationship with the boy. Even if it clicks with you two, love fades. Eventually, he'll be bored with you and he'll be ready to get back to work.
Happy Get Your Temp To Fall Out Of Love With You Day!
