According to statistics released by the right wing religious organization Families Are Awesome, you performed more abortions in the year 2005 than any other abortion doctor in the entire State. This year you're trying to go national, but your numbers are way down.
'You're all out there on the dating scene,' you'll ask your nurses. 'Are people just not doing it as much?'
'I can't speak for everybody,' Nurse Comers will say. 'But that Al Gore movie really killed the mood for me. How can I accept ecstasy when the world is going to end in like ten years. And that polar bear trying to find some ice. Jeez, talk about a boner shrinker.'
'Well yeah sure,' Nurse Morehouse will concur. 'They shouldn't have marketed that as a date movie. But all it made me think is the next time I get pregnant ain't no way in hell I'm gonna have that baby. I'm not gonna bring a kid into this world just so he can watch the sea catch fire and stuff.'
'I'm with Morehouse,' Nurse Cleo will say. 'That Al Gore movie made it seem like this whole environment mess is a direct result of the population having tripled in the last century. We don't need any more people. I'm aborting the shit out of my next baby.'
Nurse Cleo will think about it, then she'll add, ''Course, there's really no chance of there being a baby to abort, being as I really haven't accepted a lover since I saw that Al Gore movie. Seemed too selfish.'
'That settles it!' you'll say. Then you'll go into your office a draft a bitchy letter to Al Gore letting him know that if his idea was to increase the number of abortions, it might have worked if he hadn't made a movie so depressing that no one wants to fuck enough to make a baby to abort in the first place. Al Gore will reply that your letter was so stupid he could barely bring himself to recycle the paper it was printed on.
'But I did,' he'll add. 'Recycling is important. Good luck with your contest, baby killer.'
Frame Al Gore's letter, then get out there and act locally by convincing your town's saloon to have a singles night so people might start banging again. You can only hope the alcohol will make them forget the Al Gore movie (and contraception), but that they'll remember the Al Gore movie again when they're sober and pregnant and thinking about what it means to bring a baby into a world that's about to die in a storm of flame.
Happy The Abortion King Day!
