Martin and Bartholomew finally found out that you were dating both of them at the same time, so they went off alone to determine who would be the one to keep you by his side. You've been waiting at home for hours, wondering which boy would win your hand. You're about to hear a knock on your door, and when you open it you'll see Martin there with a bouquet of roses in his hand.
'Martin!' you'll shout. 'You defeated Bartholomew and won my hand. Oh what sort of gruesome duel did you two gentleman choose to serve as your battleground?'
Martin will say, 'We decided to settle it with a game of Frisbee golf.'
'Frisbee golf?' you'll ask.
Martin will then explain to you the object of Frisbee golf, which basically amounts to throwing a Frisbee at a bunch of trees.
'But that game's real boring, so we gave up before we finished.'
'You left the game unfinished? Then how did you decide who would be the sole recipient of my affections?'
'Uno,' Martin will say. 'But Uno sucks unless there's at least three or four people. So we had to play with my Mom and Bartholomew's other girlfriend Leslie.'
'And you defeated them all!' you'll shout.
'Naaah,' Martin will grumble. 'Couldn't win a hand. Neither could Bartholomew. My Mom took two hands and my Mom's boyfriend Steve sat in on a hand and he took that one. Got sick of it after that.'
'Oh but I'm on pins and needles,' you'll say. 'What sort of challenge did you engage in next?'
'Jenga. Then Clue. Then we put on some porn and we both masturbated at a steady pace to see who could go the longest without coming. We tied that one. Then'did you ever do Sudoku?'
'No!' you'll exclaim. 'But I've heard so many wonderful things about it! Is that how you won my love?'
Martin will say, 'Naaah. I just did a bunch of them while I was waiting for Bartholomew to come up with some more ideas. I got so wrapped up in those number puzzles, I didn't even notice him leave. He left you this note. I'm gonna watch 'Deal Or No Deal.''
Martin will hand you the note from Bartholomew and then he'll go into the living room to watch 'Deal Or No Deal.' The note will read as follows:
My Dearest,
I loved you. But I'm just so tired of playing games.
-Bartholomew
As you fold up the letter, you'll feel a little heartbroken that Bartholomew would let you go this way. Then you'll hear Martin gasp at the TV. A contestant on 'Deal Or No Deal' will have just decided to make a telephone call to an accountant. You'll cuddle up on the couch next to Martin, and you'll be glad he's the one you ended up with. If Bartholomew had won, you might never have been able to find out what plan of action the accountant will recommend. In short, you would be lost.
Happy Bizarre Love Triangle Day!
