As you rose through the ranks to become the city's most powerful drug dealer, the number of people you could trust grew smaller and smaller until your only confidante was a small plush piggy named Professor Wigglebottom. At the end of every night, when all of your money was counted and your known enemies were executed, you would retire to your study with a glass of Hennessey to talk out your fears and your doubts with the only one who'd listen, that wise and understanding little pig, Professor Wigglebottom.
"A new cartel tried to bring product in from the west side today, Professor Wigglebottom," you'd tell him. "I had their throats slit and their bodies thrown back into the river so they'd float back to Jersey. Also, I met a girl."
Then you'd hold Professor Wigglebottom up to face you and you'd shiver his head back and forth while you said for him, in a high-pitched voice that sounded almost like a squeal, "That was very wise what you did with the rival gang. You're the best drug dealer in the world. Is the girl pretty?"
"Yes," you'd tell Professor Wigglebottom. "But I discovered she was wired for sound, so I buried her alive, forcing the Feds to listen to her scratch at the inside of the coffin and rasp for her last breath."
"Maaaaake sure the body can't be fou-ound!" Professor Wigglebottom would sing.
You're only four months into serving a ten year sentence for conspiracy to commit drug trafficking and you're starting to feel like you're not going to make it. You can't get a handle on prison culture. On the street you were able to think ten steps ahead, but now that you're inside, you just can't figure out what your next move should be. You need to talk to Professor Wigglebottom.
Shayla, one of the prostitutes that you hooked on your product, has been writing to you regularly to tell you how much she misses the cocaine you'd sell to her, and how she can't wait until you're free so that you can sell her cocaine again. You wrote to Shayla begging that she convince Professor Wigglebottom to visit you. After she wrote back asking that you explain how she's supposed to "convince" a plush toy to do anything, you just went ahead and asked her to bring in the pig. Today's the day.
When you walk into the visiting room, you'll see Shayla on the other side of the glass and you'll worry that she came empty handed. You won't be able to pick up the receiver until she reaches into her bag and reveals your toy pig.
"Professor!" you'll say.
"Well you sure got yourself into a jam this time didn't ya?" Professor Wigglebottom will say in too deep a register. Normally, you'd provide him with his voice, but with the plexiglass separating the two of you it would feel no different than if you were talking to yourself. You have to hear him through the phone.
Ask Shayla to bring her voice up into her head when she talks. She'll make her voice squeak as high as it will go, and it will be a close enough approximation to Professor Wigglebottom's squeal that you'll be able to continue.
"I feel all turned around in here Professor. I don't know how to adapt."
Shayla will read from the script you sent her. "Remember Miami?" Professor Wigglebottom will ask.
You'll start to laugh. "Those were some crazy times."
Professor Wigglebottom will laugh harder, as per the script. Then you'll both sigh.
"You had your head so far up your ass you could cough a fart," the Professor will say. "But when it came time to do what needed to be done, you did what you had to do."
"Yeah," you'll say. "But this is a lot different than murdering Colombians. It's like there's a different planet in here."
"They men ain't they?" Professor Wigglebottom will ask you. "They went in just like you. They might have gotten there first. But you were never one to wait your turn."
"So should I just throw some muscle around?" you'll ask.
The little pig in the hooker's hand will look you in the eyes and say, "When it comes time to do what needs to be done, you do what you have to do."
"Thanks Professor Wigglebottom," you'll say. "I feel better already."
Professor Wigglebottom will say, "Until the next time. Stay cool. Aaaand don't eeeeat aaaany baaaaa-con!"
You'll laugh really hard while Shayla folds up the script and returns it and Professor Wigglebottom to her bag. In her normal voice she'll say, "If you wrote that whole script out, why couldn't you have just read it back to yourself instead of making me come all the way down here?"
Say, "I needed to hear it from him." Then go back to your cell. You'll find that you're calmer, more focused, and ready to tell Cell Block D all the wise and wonderful things that the little piggy told you.
Happy The Convict Misses Professor Wigglebottom Day!
