Mile-High Club Day!
Tonight, after you and your neighboring passenger have become acquainted with each other's basic identifying facts such as occupation, place of residence, and level of anger at the federal government's handling of Hurricane Katrina, and you've begun to speak more intimately (Did you cry when Radar announced that Col. Henry Blake had died en route back to America?), you should ask her whether she wants to have sex with you in the airplane's bathroom.
She'll say, "Solid!"
Tell her to go ahead into the bathroom first and about a minute after you'll head back and knock on the door three times.
Grab her by the shoulders, hold her eyes with yours, and repeat: "THREE TIMES. DO NOT FUCK THIS UP."
She'll go and you'll wait. You'll think about your sister while you wait. You'll wonder whether she'll refuse to reconcile with you when you show up on her doorstep tomorrow afternoon. She hasn't spoken to you in six years, not since the morning of her son's funeral. You've warned her that you're coming. In letters. But you've done that before and chickened out. This isn't even the first time you've flown to her town. Once before you managed to make it to the soil of Cincinnati, but you never made it to your sister's house. Instead you locked yourself inside your hotel room with several bottles of Wild Turkey and waited until you got to fly home again (though you overslept and had to reschedule your return flight).
When the minute is up, go back to the bathroom and knock three times. You'll hear a gruff man's voice say, "Occupied." Turn around and knock on the opposite door. Your neighbor will yank you into the bathroom with her and say, "We're gonna do it on a plane."
Once you're inside her, concentrate on the fact that you're doing it on a plane. Say to her, "We're doing it on a plane."
She'll say, "We're not supposed to do it on a plane."
Reply, "We barely know each other even."
She'll say, "30,000 feet in the air. And we're having intercourse."
Say, "If the plane crashes, we'll have been having sex when the plane crashed."
"Aw man," she'll say.
You'll finish quickly. Once you've both refastened your clothing, tell her to go back to her seat first.
"See you soon," say.
When she's gone, look in the mirror and resolve that when you land, once again, you are not going to visit your sister. Though it's unlikely that she'd turn you away, the process of apologizing and making amends will be a huge drag.
With that weight off of your shoulders, go back to your seat. Your neighboring passenger will not speak to you for the rest of the flight, and ever again. Begin drinking hard liquor so that you have a head start for when you land.
Happy Mile-High Club Day!
