Be The Witness Day!
Today, you should happen upon the scene of a crime that involves the highest levels of government. The crime should be murder, but if it can't be murder, it should be arson.
When you spy the crime taking place, first, hide. You'll make a little bit of noise when you find your place in the dark corner of the schoolbus garage or when you hoist your feet up in the bathroom stall, but not to worry. When the henchman comes over to check things out, he'll be called away just before he's about to discover your hiding place. (PHEW!)
Next, watch the crime take place. The crime will either be the murder of a bespectacled bookkeeper who is screaming "I swear to God I don't! know! anything!" Or it will be the illegal setting on fire of a bespectacled bookkeeper who is screaming "I swear to God I don't! have! the ledger!"
Finally, let the shock of the crime you've just witnessed disorient you so that you accidentally make a little bit of noise (you start jerking off and rattle a bucket full of shovels) that attracts the attention of the Mayor, the Comptroller, and the entire Tri-Lateral Commission. You'll have to make a run for it, and you might never be able to stop running. Here's hoping you don't have any kids, because fuck them. You're running.
Finally, turn the tables. Tell the Mayor, the Comptroller, and the entire Tri-Lateral Commission something along the lines of, "If I don't make a phone call in a half hour, my story gets mailed to all the major newspapers." Except tell them something that will actually scare them. When you're finished, sit back and take a deep breath because you run this town now. First thing you should do is ask for access to the Tri-Lateral Commission's records room so you can follow through on your theory about the link between the Kennedy assassination and the alien craft kept hidden at Roswell.
Finally, use your access to the Tri-Lateral Commission's records room to find out which of your high school girlfriends were spies, and which were dudes.
Happy Be The Witness Day!
