Houseguest Day!
Write a note.
"By the time you read this, I will be gone. Don't try to follow me. Leaving is the right thing to do. To sleep in your guest bedroom is to spite this home. There is too much love here, and there is too much darkness inside of me. My presence mocks your happiness. I cannot help but wish you ill. Deep down, I neither like nor respect either of you. I've taken some of your more expensive electronics to sell along my travels. I hope you'll understand."
Put the note on the fridge, then go up to bed. Make sure to wake up tomorrow when you hear some pots and pans banging in the kitchen. Head down there and when they're both hovering over the note in disbelief, say, "What smells so good?"
They'll show you the note. Say, "Did I write that? Oh my God I'm sleepwalking again. I can't be left alone guys, can I stay here for a while?"
They'll reluctantly agree because they're good people. Now you'll have a place to crash for a while, and you'll get to have fun writing progressively more horrible things about your friends that they'll be forced to read and generously dismiss every single morning. You need to find work.
Happy Houseguest Day!
