Apply For A Job At The Ice Cream Factory Day!
The human resources lady will ask you why you want to work at an ice cream factory.
Say, "My current job doesn't give me the freedom to be around ice cream as much as I'd like to be. I'm a United States Senator."
The human resources lady will show you a short movie on how ice cream is made. The movie will show graphic scenes of kittens being killed with a hammer.
"Why do they have to do that to the kittens?" you should ask.
The human resources lady will sit on the corner of her desk and look at you with some condescension. She'll say, "Look this isn't Congress. You might not have the stomach to make ice cream."
Ask her, "Will I have to kill kittens with a hammer?"
"Not unless Kevin calls in sick," the human resources lady will say. "We all pitch in around here."
"Just one thing…" you'll say, but the human resources lady will interrupt you.
"The kittens don't go into the ice cream. We just kill them because our ice cream is so delicious, for every pint we manufacture there has to be a moment of extreme tragedy brought into the world in order to balance out the cosmos. We kill the kittens with hammers in order to keep the universe from balancing itself out by hurting our human babies or the economy."
Say, "The economy. Now that's something I know something about!"
The human resources lady will laugh. "Of course! Because you're a United States Senator."
You'll laugh along with her. Then she'll ask you when you can start.
"Tomorrow!" you'll say. Then you'll ask if you can use her phone to call Capitol Hill and tell Congress to put you on speakerphone so you can tell everyone to fuck off.
Happy Apply For A Job At The Ice Cream Factory Day!
