Buy Your Husband A Crown Day!

Give it to him on one of his last few birthdays before he dies, when he's old enough that the little he'll have accomplished can be estimated to be the height of what he can hope to accomplish before he dies.

You probably won't have a lot of money for something full of gold and rubies, thanks to Mr. Play-It-Safe having missed out on a total of nine big investment paydays. But you'll be able to get maybe a nice dirty white gold piece, or an ivory and fake emerald little number that he can be held still with some bobby pins.

When he asks what it's supposed to mean, say, "You are my king. This is your kingdom and I am you subject. I shall do your bidding."

This dimly lit, two-bedroom ranch-style home is your kingdom. And this decidedly elderly woman, who's been pretty kind these past few decades, is prepared to obey you.

He'll raise his eyebrows and chuckle, getting the joke, and enjoying it too. "An espresso, knave," he'll say. "And there'd best be a head atop it or I'll have to make do with yours."

Bow with faux-modesty and then retreat to the kitchen to make him an espresso with the machine his daughter gave him as a gift earlier that evening at dinner. He'll sit in front of the TV with his crown on his head and he'll wait.

Happy Buy Your Husband A Crown Day!