Kiss Them Goodbye Day!

It's not your party. It's Patty's. Half the guests are people you just met tonight. People are putting on their coats. Grab your drink in your right hand, plant yourself by the door and kiss them all goodbye.

David and Janice were kind and they spoke of their impending move to Syracuse. David's going to be teaching there. You met them tonight and you'll probably never see them again. David will extend his right hand to you. Put your left arm around his shoulder and kiss his cheek, then say, "Good luck in Syracuse." Repeat with Janice.

Mark wants to sleep with you but has a girlfriend of nine years. Mark will hug you goodbye. Kiss his cheek and whisper in his ear, "It was great to see you again."

Jennifer loathes you with all of her being. She will say goodbye without an effort towards physical contact. Reach your hand around to pull Jennifer in by the back of her head and kiss her on the neck. It will force her to laugh and she'll say, "Okay!"

Louis and Francis, being queer, were the life of the dance floor. Draw them into a group hug, kiss them both on the mouth, and then make them follow your lead into a jokey three-way hump. They'll play along, then Louis will turn around to wave goodbye to the party to see if anyone caught their final skit of the evening.

The first wave of departures will have petered out by now. Get to the bar and refill your drink before the next group disperses. Back by the door, find Jimmy where he's sitting on the back of a couch. Jimmy'll be watching you. He'll wonder if you're going to be there by the door when he leaves.

Kevin was such a terrible lay and he's not bright at all. He's on his way downhill, financially and socially. He should be leaving the city within the year. Kevin's waiting for your kiss goodbye. He's grabbing out for any affection he can get these days. Give him a short peck on the cheek that would be hard to misinterpret. He'll probably call you this week, regardless.

Larissa, your favorite for life, will kiss you first. She'll kiss you on the lips and say, "Forget about him. Just come back and crash with me. I'll get you high." Tell her you're not going to do anything stupid and you need to wake up early in the morning but thanks and kiss her on the lips once more. One day, you'll have to buy Larissa an expensive birthday present. Something to let her know you owe her your life ten times over.

Kim and Pete made it out tonight, their first night out since the baby was born. You haven't been by to see the baby yet, so promise to come by soon and give them both a kiss to give to their daughter for you. You've always gotten the impression that Kim and Pete think you're an irresponsible mess. You can't help but agree.

Lester got your number tonight. Give him a kiss and tell him to call you. A kiss on the cheek will do the trick. Don't forget to call Patty tomorrow to find out whether you should avoid his call.

Here come the next five winter coats. Deborah and Jill in their matching black overcoats. Jeff in his hooded parka. And Laura, the arm of her red ski jacket hooked through the arm of Jimmy's Pea coat.

Deborah and Jill are loaded and loud. Kiss Jill on the cheek. She'll say "Bye baby." Deborah's gonna grab you by the sides of your head and stick her tongue in your mouth. Make loud ecstatic noises with her. When Deborah lets go, she'll slap your cheek lightly and say "Later on, twat."

Jeff's gonna grab you by the sides of your head and say, "My turn." Jill brought Jeff along and he seems fun, but you're not sure he's straight. Just give him a shove away then kiss him on the cheek. Call Jill this week to find out if Jeff is straight and if she's fucking him.

Jimmy will be doing all he can to talk to anyone in the vicinity so as to keep his back to you. But he and Laura are the only ones leaving by now. And Laura is telling you she's happy to have met you.

"Likewise," say. Don't kiss her. Don't extend your hand for a handshake. In fact, take a sip from your glass. Laura will look to Jimmy to see if he's finished his goodbyes.

That's when Jimmy will turn to say goodbye to you. He'll say, "Good to see ya."

"Mm," say.

Jimmy will say to Laura, "You ready." She'll smile and nod like a fucking retard.

Jimmy will say to you, "Okay then. Bye bye."

"Bye bye," say. Tip toe with your glass in both hands and put your lips to his. He'll kiss back.

Laura, easily confused, will look confused. Wave to her, even though she's standing a foot away from you. She'll wave back. She does as she's told.

Jimmy will mutter something inaudible to one of you and Jimmy and Laura will leave for the evening. Patty will come walking towards you now. She saw what happened and, it being her party, she'll feel it her responsibility to ask you what the fuck? Move into the living room before she can catch you. You don't have to kiss anyone else goodbye. You got to kiss Jimmy.

Happy Kiss Them Goodbye Day!