Jeff The Cripple Day!

Jeff the cripple can't walk and he's getting used to it.

"I have to admit, at first I was kind of jealous of the majority of my fellow man," says Jeff. "But then I remembered that I have a lot more money than a lot people."

Jeff's rich.

"I have thirty seven million dollars."

Jeff can't fuck.

"Oh yeah," says Jeff. "Yeah, that still kinda irks me. It makes me feel kind of…um…"

Jeff feels inadequate. A sad excuse for a man.

"Hey!" says Jeff.

Jeff likes to keep magicians around the house.

"I've always been a huge fan of magic. Houdini. Henning."

Jeff spent most of his life trying to earn enough money to destroy his father, a world-renowned financier who abandoned Jeff and his mother when Jeff was five.

"This accident was a big setback in my efforts to dismantle my father's empire and smile while I'm doing it," says Jeff. "Not that I need to walk to continue to amass wealth. But not being able to walk and…everything else…it just left me kind of depressed for a long time. I had to take a break to reevaluate things. Try to remember what's really important. In the end, I concluded that nothing is more important than taking my father down."

Jeff gets sad.

"I'd just like to be left alone for a while, if you don't mind."

Happy Jeff The Cripple Day!