The Kind Of Guy Every Girl Dreams About Day!

He's got long, sharp fangs dripping with menstrual blood and clotted with chunks of uterine lining. He's drunker than he's ever been before in his life and he's proud of it. He owes you nine hundred dollars and he has a court date for a desk appearance ticket for public-- Correction: He had a court date for a desk appearance ticket for public urination last Thursday (no one, including him, knows where he was that day). He hits and once kicked. He often falls asleep sobbing into your breasts begging you to never ever leave him alone because he'll kill himself if you go, and then he wakes up and disappears for six days. Your roommate moved out to get away from him and you haven't been able to replace her yet so you've been paying double your rent. He sometimes smells like trash.

The dream every girl dreams, and the one you should dream today when you nap, is the one where you throw him out and he comes back and he says he's changed and you believe him, but this time you believe him because it's true. Then your dream should flash forward to later that night, to a fuck that lasts about 100 months, the kind where your physical form fades to dotted lines. Then your dream should flash forward about twenty years, to you sitting on a lawn in a park feeling wonderful about having the guy who is the opposite of everything that attracted you to him in the first place, a guy who is suddenly responsible, attentive, can fuck hard yet still be tender, employed, sober, doesn't say "cunt," showered, likes women, doesn't wear leather pants anymore, paroled, but who is still as attractive as the first night you saw him fall down and drool on something. When you wake up, change the locks because he's out of money.

Happy The Kind Of Guy Every Girl Dreams About Day!