If You're Both Attractive, Stay Together For The Sake Of The Rest Of Us Day!

You know couples who hated each other but continued fighting it out for twenty years for the sake of their fucking kids. Who'd that help out?

But you two are a sight for sore eyes. When the metropolitan population sees you two leaning into each other to share a brief peck during a wedding ceremony, or on the sidewalk clutching at each other's jackets and watching grimly as a fleeing shoplifter is tackled to the pavement by an undercover police officer in the middle of the street, or walking down the street holding hands, we are reminded of a few things:

1. I should not wish for that person to be inside of me because such a wish is unrealistic. That person belongs with someone more attractive than myself. I can go about my day now.

2. Beauty can comprehend "beauty." And beauty is fond of itself.

3. If both parties in a relationship are beautiful and each has brown hair, as a couple they will necessarily be far more beautiful than a blonde-haired couple. And they cannot be stopped.

4. Given the opportunity, I would have no choice but to watch them screw, though I would be frightened of how such an experience might affect me in the long run. Kind of like seeing the face of God, right?

5. If you think about it, blonde hair is kind of a birth defect.

6. It is possible for events in this universe to be absolutely appropriate.

7. If two people look good enough together, they should be ordered to walk around a lot in my neighborhood and I'd appreciate it if they'd buy bagels where I buy bagels. I'd like to pick out their sweaters as well.

8. Love is a myth. But physical beauty may be objectively graded on a scale of 1 to 10. Those two in a park in autumn are like a 90,000. Jesus I hate my dad for getting drunk and holding my face over the stove when I was nine, leaving me to live with this miserable scar just below my left eye. I'm sick of meeting people and knowing they're going to call a mutual friend later to ask for an explanation.

9. I was in love once. And the feelings I held for my lover, if I were to imagine those feelings of love taking the form of a little tiny couple in love themselves, that love-couple would look like those two. Except with different shoes. And, oh wait, is that dude wearing an earring? Oh wait, sorry, never mind.

Happy If You're Both Attractive, Stay Together For The Sake Of The Rest Of Us Day!