The University Of Florida Volleyball Massacre Day!

At 5 PM this evening, a group of 8 University Of Florida students (3 boys, 5 girls) will be killed. Their names are Jeff Borden, Nundanee Saba, Michelle Crawford, Kim Watts, Terence McCormick, Ann Park, Ahmad Atiq, and Laura Padilla. These 8 are winding down a week and a half of doing nothing but getting high, watching DVDs in air conditioning, and drinking vodka, tequila and MGD bottles. These 8 are Resident Assistants who volunteered to stay through the summer term, which ended a week and a half ago. At 4:10 PM, Kim Watts will suggest that they pack bottles into a cooler of ice and everybody head out to one of the sand courts across from the arts complex and play a few games of volleyball. Though the heat outside is oppressive, everyone will immediately agree, unaware that they are each about to be hit in the head with a hammer.

Once across the highway, they will begin their trek through the great lawn surrounding the complex. A hill will be climbed, and a wooden fence will have to be ducked under, but before they get to either obstacle, Laura Padilla will run up behind Jeff Borden and jump atop his back, demanding an impromptu piggyback ride. Jeff Borden will attain a precarious grab underneath her thighs and run a few paces before she starts to slide off. When she does, Laura Padilla will move her grip from around Jeff Borden's neck to around his midsection, holding his back close against her front. The two will walk like that for twenty paces, in a negative embrace and surprised. Jeff Borden has never kissed Laura Padilla and he never knew she wanted to kiss him. But Laura Padilla has wanted to kiss Jeff Borden for a few days now, and she will kiss him just before she lets go of him. Laura Padilla will kiss Jeff Borden between his shoulder blades, through his tee shirt, twice. Two very aggressive pecks to the shallow of his back, and she'll let him go and run ahead. Jeff Borden will be very excited for later that evening after the volleyball game. He'll already be thinking about people calling them "Jeff and Laura."

The killer will hear the laughter and he'll crawl out from underneath the fire stairs where he slept last night. His name is Clarke Watson and he'll never be captured. He was hired (illegally, the college is of course very union) for two days work putting up drywall for the "Dragons Great And Small" exhibit in the Zoology wing of the Natural Science Center. The hammer is his, he didn't steal it.

The sand courts are fenced in and the gates are padlocked. Ahmad Atiq will have the key, and he'll drape the chain and padlock in the fence by the gate. Then they will all crowd in and immediately start hitting the ball over the net like a bunch of klutzes. The ball will stay on the ground for a bit as everybody opens another bottle and takes a few sips before stubbing them into the sand on the outskirts of the court. Nundanee Saba will suggest they come up with a drinking game where whoever drops the ball has to down his bottle. The other seven will agree that it is a good idea but it will be clear that the drinking game will be forgotten before it hits its stride.

After a few volleys the 8 will already be feeling too beaten down by the heat to go for much longer. It will be in the middle of a volley that Clarke Watson will approach the court. The ball will be headed straight for Terence McCormick when he catches sight of Clarke a few steps from the gate. Terence will catch the ball and just stare at Clarke without saying anything. The other seven will turn and watch Clarke step through the gate, put his hammer in his pocket so that he can shut and padlock the gate behind him, then pull his hammer from his pocket, take three steps onto the sand court and swing the hammer down into Kim Watts' right ear.

In the middle of the first chorus of screams, Clarke will swing down once to open the right side of Kim's head. Nundanee Saba will be just four steps away from Clarke and she won't have run yet. She'll just be staring at Kim and shouting out sobs without quite crying. She'll jolt upright and bend her knees to run backwards when she sees Clarke turn toward her, but she won't have lifted a foot before he lands the hammer in her stomach. She'll double over and Clarke will just keep swinging the hammer into that area, into her arms crossed over her midsection, he'll hit her in the right shoulder twice, and once in the right cheek. When she falls, he'll hit her in the back three times and twice in the top of her skull. There won't be any blood.

Terence McCormick at this point will have run up behind Clarke and bear hugged him. Clarke will hit him in the forehead with the pronged end of the hammer but Terence won't lose his grip. Clarke will then swing down into Terence's right thigh five times, and once in the right knee. Terence will fall and Clarke will leap towards him, swinging the hammer down into Terence's stomach, then his ribcage (two blows), and then over and over again into his throat. Terence will stop moving before Clarke finishes crushing his throat with the hammer.

The remaining five will be at the far end of the court. Laura Padilla, Ahmad Atiq, and Ann Park will be trying to begin the climb up the fence, but will keep slipping to the ground or just stopping to check where Clarke is at the moment. Michelle Crawford will be at the base of the fence, hiding behind Jeff Borden, who will be holding his arms out from his sides, facing Clarke.

Clarke will take quick steps towards Jeff, then when he's just a few paces away he'll run up and duck low, taking quick hard swings at Jeff's shins. Most of the blows will come off of the hammer's wooden handle. And Jeff will swing his clasped fists down into Clarke's back, trying to pummel him low into the sand.

Clarke will land one direct blow of the meat of the hammer into the upper plain of Jeff's bare foot. Jeff will retract the foot and fall backwards on top of Michelle. Clarke will throw himself on top of Jeff and pound the hammer into his face seven times, mostly in and around the eyes.

Some of the wild swings will bruise Michelle's face. She will do all she can to kick and shriek herself out from under Jeff's stilled frame. But Clarke will land several clumsy side-swipes of the hammer down into Michelle's left arm. Then he'll roll Jeff off of her and crack into her teeth with the pronged end of the hammer. And he'll keep hitting her in the face, below the eyes, like with Jeff.

Laura Padilla and Ann Park will by then be halfway up the fence and making progress. Ahmad Atiq will be near the top when Clarke grabs the base of the fence below the girls and begins to shake. The girls will stop where they are and just scream with all they've got. Ahmad will drop all the way down the length of the fence, hurting his ankle. But he'll pull himself up and fling himself at Clarke, who will have already begun a swing at Ahmad's cheek. The blow will send Ahmad to the ground with a twirl. But he'll immediately pull himself back up and launch at Clarke. His shoulders will take Clarke by the midsection into the sand. Ahmad will rise up in position to punch down into Clarke's face, but Clarke's hammer will land on Ahmad's temple before he gets the chance. Then Clarke will swing once into Ahmad's mouth. The hammer will get stuck inside there for a second. Clarke will have to wriggle the hammer out from Ahmad's broken teeth and torn gums.

The girls won't have moved from where they were on the fence, but their screams will have grown louder and more heartbreaking. Clarke will begin shaking the fence with a fury. There will be no one left to stop him, so he'll just put all his strength into trying to rip the fence from its posts. The girls will hold tight for two minutes. And Clarke will grow impatient and climb the fence, first toward Ann.

She'll see him coming and try to scurry fast to the top of the fence, but her footing will be too unconfident. Clarke will get close enough and he'll land one blow on Ann's left buttock. She won't have fallen yet, so he'll hit her in the center of her back. Laura will have dropped to the ground and run for the padlocked gate, but Ann still won't have fallen from under her blows. Not before Clarke slams a diatribe of swings into her back and shoulderblades as if he were Whacking-a-Mole.

When Ann finally falls, she'll just lay there with her arms up over her face. Clarke will drop next to her and swing three times into her face. The third will land directly on her forehead. It will leave a clean, wet red mark. Ann will shiver for a moment before dying.

With just Laura left, Clarke will not pause to savor the moment or march menacingly to her. Instead he'll sprint to where she is rattling the chained gate. He'll run across the sand and Laura will immediately recoil into the corner of the fence, bent into herself behind her forearms. When Clarke reaches her, the top of her head will be completely unguarded. Clarke will hit her once in the top of the head. In the center. Laura will grab the spot of the blow with her hands. Clarke will swing into the same spot, this time smashing into her clumped fingers. Her hands will drop and Clarke will hit the same spot, the top of her head, in the center, again. Laura will fall face forward and Clarke will open the back of her skull with five swings of his hammer.

After Laura is dead, Clarke will dip his hammer in the sand and pick some of the blood and tissue from the steel before slipping it back into his pocket. Then he'll try the gate and remember he'd padlocked it. So he'll climb the fence because he unfortunately will not have seen Ahmad unlock the gate, so he won't know to root through Ahmad's pockets for the key.

Happy The University Of Florida Volleyball Massacre Day!