Don't Get Up From That Dining Room Table Day!

The sound of your forks scraping the china is just deafening. You never knew stainless steel could scream like that did you. The first time you noticed it, you were terrified. Remember? When you realized that neither of you had spoken to the other in a weekend and the forks scratching through to the plates from out of the bulk of the baked potatoes suddenly seemed so loud you feared a phone call from the neighbors to the police department to complain about the strange noises coming from that older couple's house next door? But you got used to it. Soon you felt the noise to be the soundtrack for a good cleansing. The sound of a mind being vigorously scoured of the kind of questions that tend to stick to the pan after nine or so years of childless cohabitation. You have to get your upper body into that kind of scrub.

So watch this. Once you're full enough that you think you can make it through a couple hours of sheer terror, check across the table to make sure that plate's at least half empty too, but don't let nobody join the CPC (Clean Plate Club). You're going to wanna have some leftover in front of you because you might not get out of your chairs for a while and I hope you cooked chicken because you need to be able to eat that shit cold so nobody can escape to use the microwave. In the middle of the symphony of scraping and scratching and screaming utensil extended dance mixing, lay your fork down and grip the sides of your chair, eyes in your lap. It'll take a few minutes before the break in the harmony is detected as more than just a pause to refill your glass of red (again). Baby Lover will look up at you to find out what's going on but there won't be any speaking. When you hear complete silence for about ten seconds, that means the eyes are on you. Look into them.

It's been a while since your eyes met across that table and one of you will probably let out a short wordless scream. It'll be short because neither of you will want to open up your mouths for very long since the words you're going to speak will be the dining room equivalent of "Look out for that falling safe!"

Just don't get up. And don't say anything that doesn't make you convulse. You should be able to find the right words tomorrow just around dawn. Or at the end of it all you both might just get up at the same time so that one of you can help the other pack.

Happy Don't Get Up From That Dining Room Table Day!