Take A Bath, But Make A Big Production Out Of It Day!

You called in sick. Good. But I hope you made it sound like you might have a bitch of a stomach flu coming on because the kind of bath we're talking about might keep going till Thursday if no one gets too shitty.

That's probably the most important thing, that you invite the right kind of people over. For example, one of your friends just fell in love and another one of your friends just had a death in the family. Don't invite either of these assholes because they won't get high. If they got high, they might bliss out for a little while and that would prevent them from talking on and on and motherfucking on about Little Miss/Mr. Wonderful or Dear Departed Teenage Sister, respectively. You can see it on their faces every time they walk into a room. They both have a two part agenda.

Part One: Find the whiskey.

Part Two-a: (For the one in love) Find that couple everyone looks up to as the pinnacle of a couple that's gonna make it work and go initiate a conversation about intimacy or meeting cute or whether they felt like shit changed after they moved in together, and then within two minutes of not listening to a word out of the couple's mouth launch into an endless and saccharine mooning little schoolgirl monologue about how it seemed like that special someone might never be found and then lo and behold "I'm a roly-poly pussy baby."

Part Two-b: (For the one who's just experienced a loss) Find that poor bastard who's just now managing to get over the death of someone close that happened over a year ago and claw open those just barely scabbed wounds with a tirade of unbelievably maudlin pleas for some kind of empathy and this laundry list of every emotion that everyone in the world has experienced after the untimely death of a loved one but hey, let's go through them all again because apparently you're some sort of special case aren't you? Some people of the opposite sex think suffering in silence is attractive and dignity is digable. Maybe you should try that coat on for size. We're here to watch someone take a bath you know.

So invite your friends carefully. You've stuck to your diet for over a month now and you've rounded your belly to that just right boyancy where it'll bobble adorably with every shift of the water's surface whenever you lift your arm in and out of the tub to take a hit off the pipe a friend you love is handing to you. Don't waste the effort on people who only wanna talk about their love-turned stomachs and feelings of ultimate futility and helplessness in the face of blank endings.

Before we go on, no candles. And no music either. You're not trying to pretend sex matters and you're not trying to prove to everyone in the room that you're dull as television. Turn off the Enya, Calista. You should choose your lighting carefully, however. Like, if there's two or three light sockets in your fixture, pull a bulb out or add one if you think the bathroom's been too bright lately or too dim. And tell people they're more than welcome to go out to the bedroom and play CDs if they want. The bathroom can only hold like four people (including you) comfortably anyway so the other seven people will have to hang out in the bedroom anyway sometimes.

Food. Go with Mexican. A buffet thing where everyone can build their own tacos.

Nothing will alter the mood of the bath more than the presentation of your genitals. If you normally shave or trim your pubis, you should have been letting it grow out this past month in anticipation of the big day. You want people to just hang out and get high and shoot the shit while you're naked in a tub of warm water right in front of their eyes. And shaved genitals can be distracting to some, disorienting to others. Even if everyone in the room also shaves their genitals, they will still be surprised to learn that you do the same and this will be at the front of their minds. They'll wonder if you decided to shave at the behest of a partner and whether you're worried about how this reflects on your partner's psyche. They'll wonder if you do it just because it's more comfortable. And they might even wonder whether you shaved solely because you knew you'd have an audience today and this might really freak them out. And then there's the people who've always sort of looked down on people who shave their genitals. These people get kind of angry when they encounter a shaven partner because they feel like an assumption as to role-play was made and they think it's inconsiderate to pidgeon-hole the sex act into a Daddy-and-Baby kind of deal. Also, a lot of people think shaving genitals lacks imagination. This is a matter of opinion of course. However, it is a matter of uncontested fact that shaven genitals reflects a severely lacking sense of humor.

If you have a really really big bush though, trim it to a length that isn't hideous. You don't want that shit floating out into the tub like some kind of biblical scourge of water moccasins. Just remember the last time you had sex with someone who was attractive. Go for that length.

Also, if you're pierced, take it out. For the same reason as the shaving. It reflects a flawed personality.

And if you have a blonde pubis, the kind where you can't even see the pubic hair, call the whole thing off. No one should have to look at that kind of hocus pocus.

You're almost ready. But don't forget the most important thing. Everyone's going to be in your bathroom, and they're gonna have hours and maybe even days to focus in on every little spot on the tile. Ajax that shit, Pigpen. We're not in college anymore. Everyone's 43.