Makeshift Affection Day!

Been a while since you gave a damn about anyone or anything at all in this miserable hellhole of a town? Well then, make it up. Just pick at random an adorable puppy in a window or a dad and say shit like, "I wuv you so much wittle baby puppy because, um, you're so um, small and therefore lovable. Or, I mean, wuvable." Or "I wuv you so much Dad because you...well, that whole paying for college thing. That was way cool and wy wuv woo for it."

See how it fits. Poets will tell you different, but that's why they're all raging alcoholics without a penny to their names and some of them write about race relations (eww!). But love isn't about looking into a pair of eyes and throwing up all over everything you're so happy. Love is about pretending you would care if someone else was being beaten up in the snow, but pretending so hard that you start to actually believe it. And before you know it, you forget you were pretending and you've pretty much tricked yourself into wanting the object of your makeshift affection to never ever ever die ever. Then you ask them to lay down in your bed and you start hoping one of you will become rich enough so that pretend special someone will never have to leave your bed to go to work.

Some people believe there's someone out there for everybody to pretend to give a damn about. It might take a lifetime before you find them, but the cool thing is, if that puppy or that Dad doesn't quite fit the bill, it's legal to euthanize puppies and if your Dad was incontinent, the police will usually look the other way if you smother him with a pillow.

Happy Makeshift Affection Day!