Your Mom Called. She Wants Her Ability To Enjoy Life Without Feeling The Need To Save Up For An Elective Hysterectomy And Mastectomy As Punishment For Ever Having Birthed, Nurtured And Sent You Out Into The World Back Day!

I know it sounds like one of those old snaps, but your Mom really did call and she sounded kind of bent out of shape about this whole "my reproductive organs were the conduit for unbridled evil" thing. I suggested she have a drink and then felt like a real asshole because I forgot she's in recovery and all after getting drunk that time and aiming her pelvis at the steering wheel as she rammed her car through that guest house you were renting (lucky you were at that swingdancing class that night, yo). I asked her if it's more annoying to want everything that defines her womanhood sliced from her body or is it just the saving up part that gets in her craw. I can't save for shit so I know how hard that can be. And her forcing herself to only work in shelters or as the only woman in an orange vest stabbing trash on the highway who isn't on work-release just because, as she says, "I need no court to tell me I should pay for my crimes with every minute of my life," well that doesn't pay shit. Anyway, she didn't ask that you call back. She did ask about you though, right when I picked up the phone. She panted, "Is it dead yet?"

Happy Your Mom Called. She Wants Her Ability To Enjoy Life Without Feeling The Need To Save Up For An Elective Hysterectomy And Mastectomy As Punishment For Ever Having Birthed, Nurtured And Sent You Out Into The World Back Day!