When The Going Gets Tough, Steal As Much Money From Your Sisters As You Can Carry, Sever All Alliances, And Get As Far Away From Your Permanent Mailing Address As You Possibly Can (Then Rebuild) Day!
I once knew this short guy who told me, "Change Is Good." All I could think was, "Yeah, shame you can't change yourself about seven inches taller, Half-pint." I hated that guy even before he got cancer (which was a way shitty move on his part) but I could tell that he had a point. Change is good. Especially when people start getting on your case about not returning DVDs or showing up to Lamaze class loaded on gin. Something's got to give!

Well, you have some sisters don't you? Take all their money (or at least a lot of it if your sister's crippled or involved in a legal battle over a laser she invented and she has to spend money on court fees. That's basically an investment in your future because if she wins the court battle then she'll be totally wealthier). All they ever use it for is pumping food inside their babies and their husbands. Meanwhile, you have some abandoning to do!

Next, send out a mass email that basically says, "Later, shits" to everyone with whom you've allied yourself. "Let's pretend the ties that bind me to you are a few thin ribbons," you might continue. "Well fuck those ribbons!" Then you might choose to reveal some secrets with which you've been trusted. "Hey Jill! Way to fuck Megan's husband in the bathroom last New Years!" This will definitely piss off Jill. And everyone else on the mass email will think, "That was a poor way to handle the situation" or "What a dick!" If you haven't updated your mailing list in a while, you'll probably receive a lot of "Undeliverable" messages in response. Don't worry. Whoever didn't get it will probably hear all about it the next time everyone gets together for a White Trash themed party (since apparently no one's allowed to throw a party anymore unless they make everyone put on a fucking mullet wig).

Next, move far away from your permanent mailing address. In case I need to elaborate on this one, it involves moving your shit to a new house. The post office includes a book of coupons with their change of address forms. Don't even read them. Redeeming those coupons just gives the government another avenue for monitoring your buying habits. Man do I hate the government.

Next, rebuild. And this one isn't just about getting laid. You should also pretend to care if other people live or die so they'll lend you power tools that you can sell.

Happy When The Going Gets Tough, Steal As Much Money From Your Sisters As You Can Carry, Sever All Alliances, And Get As Far Away From Your Permanent Mailing Address As You Possibly Can (Then Rebuild) Day!