If Happiness Calls, Tell It I Want My Fucking CDs Back Day!

Oh sure, a lot of people have borrowed my CDs then moved to other states or started dating my ex so I never got them back. But you'll never leave my side will you now, Happiness? Take what you want. You'll just burn them and get them right back? Take your time. Hell, I think I can go a few days without listening to Wowee Zowee for 10,000th time.

Yeah, a few days no problem. But a few months? Fuck you Happiness! You found someone else? Need your space? Trying to work some shit out about your dead dad? Boo fucking hoo, assdick! The next time I get an email from you it better be to say my copy of Begger's Banquet is sitting in my vestibule and that you'll sit in your car and watch to make sure no one steals it before I get down there to pick it up and when you see me you will simply pull the fuck away without so much as a wave goodbye, you understand. You wanted to split? Fine. You figured out a real pussy-ass way to do it. But now that you're gone, stay gone. BUT GIVE ME BACK MY MOTHERFUCKING COMPACT DISCS YOU CUNT!

My middle name isn't fucking Columbia House. By the way, I saw you the other day in the lobby of a movie theater. You looked thin. Are you okay?