Eavesdrop On A Breakup Day!
If they wanted privacy, they would've stayed at home right? The one who wants out decided to rip up a heart in public so he or she could make a run for it as soon as check hits tabletop. That means they have to put up with lonely people like you who already read the newspaper cover to cover and who are too poor to go see a movie. So fuck it. Sit down at their table if you want so you can hear better and get a closer look at what kinda fine pumpability is about to go on the market. "You're gonna cut that shit loose?" shouts the innocent bystander in disbelief. "What are you, queer?"

If they're cool, they'll explain. In fact, they might be happy to have a third party to explain it to. It's easier to tell the real truth to the lonely, oh so lonely person at the neighboring booth than to tell it all to the one they never wanna see again. "I realize it's rare to find someone you enjoy touching who wants to touch you back," the one doing the dumping might tell you. "But I just think drinking alone might be funner than drinking beside someone who isn't drinking and wants to go out and hike and shit." That's when you move in on the one who wants to go out and hike and shit. Say to him or her, "I love walking around on mountains." Then lie about your drinking problem and make a thinly veiled reference to your genital piercing. You should be knee deep in that tear-stained, on-the-rebound ass before the sun sets over Hike Canyon (check mapquest).

Man, I'm fucking hungry.