Are You Ever Afraid That Your Smile Might Make Someone Spit On A Cop? Day!
I remember when I first saw you smile I screamed "Fucking No!" then I started chasing a squirrel. Luckily, the squirrel didn't run in front of a bus or into a women's locker room so I didn't die or get hit in the face with soap, but what if?

It's clear that when you smile it makes people...well...do things. Things that are unbecoming of the sort of person who just wants to sit in silence and ponder Christ. Things that can make a Mom put her hand over a child's eyes. Dangerous things. Naughty things that two eight year old boys might do behind a garage just because it's summertime. It's your smile, what I'm saying, that puts the idea into the head of someone who sees you smile to go ahead and rent the wrong pornography ("wrong pornography" should read "pornography with a futuristic plot and a small budget for costumes"). And what about that pornography where everyone looks like they're covered in clown makeup? What the fuck is wrong with some people?

We were discussing your smile weren't we? Here's the thing. One day you're going to smile at a citizen and that citizen, who might have indigent relatives to visit for all you know, will just turn to his or her right and spit on a cop and then where are we? This isn't the 70's. Yes, people are usually cunts so when the spitter gets shot or shived in prison it will probably be "about fucking time" in the words of the poor bastard who made the mistake of falling in love with such a douchebag back when he or she was uncertain about stuff. But still, you don't know. So cut into your lips with a citrus knife. Slice big slits from the surface of that plum red upper lip way up through the bronzed and shimmery skin and go into that adorable little baby nostril (MOTHERFUCK!) and make sure to actually remove a small chunk of skin so things don't heal right because knowing you you would probably wear a scar like the belt that makes your outfit just barely work. Leave the bottom lip alone. The world should remember what once was and it should mourn and drink in daylight. It's settled then.