This dating bullshit just takes to much motherfucking time, don't it? It's just like this awkward dance to a crap song that lasts about 6 to 8 months (eating fucking dinner, going to fucking movies, fucking, fucking calling each other for no reason, wondering whether you fucking love the piece of shit and wondering whether the piece of shit is on the same fucking page then wondering whether you should fucking say so so you can finally fucking move the fuck in together so no one has to fucking run back to his or her apartment at six fucking am just to change into a clean pair of chaps before work). Then guess what? The song ends and the answer is no and you just wasted 6 to 8 months acting like a retard (that's how people act when they try to be in love with each other in the interest of getting more sleep somewhere down the line).
So let's say you think Abbott in HR could be into falling in love with you and you could maybe fall in love with him if you could get past his limp. Are you gonna start dating and maybe find out all the way after fucking Christmas if he'd be down? Fuck it. Write him a letter and tell him you've been insane with lack of sleep and appetite because you have yet to devote every ounce of your being to making his stay on this earth a pleasurable one. Or just pick some flowery way to say, "I will love you forever. You down?"
If he's down, tell him that's awesome but you didn't really mean all that shit you said in the letter. "I mean, I like you and I don't even care all that much that you're kind of crippled." But you got like six more letters out there and eight more to write but he's the first to respond so he's got dibs on a shot at you finding out if you'd be into returning his eternal love.
Sure, this makes the relationship kind of one-sided, but if you're the one writing the letter, your side's gonna win. So who's complaining? There's just gotta be a way to keep boys and girls from getting all fucking naked and sticky for half a year before they find out they never wanna see each other again. I think this is it.
Use mail merge in Word. It lets you put all the cunts you think could be into falling in love with you into a database and then you can plug their names and addresses into a mass declaration of undying "I think you're tops" and you can even make mailing labels with it too.
