Do Laundry Until You Get Fucked Day!

Not to be confused with Do Laundry Until You Fall In Love Day (that's not until October asshole).

Based on pretend surveys that were never conducted ever, this one could be over as quickly as it takes to get a throw rug mid-way through the rinse cycle, or seventeen years. Best to bring at least nine loads of laundry to just keep you there through most of the laundromat's operating hours.

First, get in the mood. Remember that hardly anyone in the place is wearing underwear. And the ones that are underwear-clad are wearing such a rank pair that they can smell their genitals waft up to their noses every time they take a step. While sex may not be in the air, genitals, at least, most decidedly are.

Second, bring something to read that isn't fucking retarded. You want someone to be able to ask you if it's a good book or say "Hey, I read that too" and no one's going to do that if you're reading How To Be A Fucking Working Actor. Bring The Corrections or The Unbearable Lightness Of Being. Even people who can't read have tried to read those and they won't be afraid to ask you about them.

Third, whilst folding, sway just so.

Fourth, if you spot someone trying to fold a blanket alone, offer your help. Folding a blanket with a stranger in a laundromat is the only situation wherein you and a stranger can open your arms wide and walk towards each other until your noses might touch. Wanna get your point across? Touch noses. If that works, rub your front up against him/her. He/she diggin it? Then kiss. He/she still not shying away? Start fucking. Right then and there. Aw man.

Fifth, if you're a dude, pick up a girl's underwear and say, "You must look so fucking hot in these." If you're a chick, pick up your underwear and say to some dude, "Dude, you wouldn't believe how totally fuckable I look in these fucking panties." Then ask each other about each other's reading materials.

Sixth, always carry a box of dryer sheets with only one dryer sheet left in the box. You can start a conversation by offering the dryer sheet to the person you want to fuck with the line, "I don't feel like carrying this box around, you want this last dryer sheet?" Or you could adopt the more agressive approach: "I used up all my dryer sheets because you've been making me so motherfucking wet. You want this last one so I don't have to carry around the box all night?"

Seventh, men, let him or her know you're in the mood by slamming the dryer door shut with your erect cock.

Eighth, if you live at home with your mom and dad and you have a washer and dryer in the house but you wanna do laundry until you get fucked, go to a laundromat anyway. I know it's a haul, but don't fuck your mom and dad.

Ninth, post a sign on the community billboard that reads, "Futon Wanted*", and below, in smaller letters, "*with you in it." This way people will think you're funny and therefore you'll like to hang out after sex and put on little origami shows with your scrotum/labia. And you can also sit in the laundromat all day and watch for who takes a number off the sign so as to screen out fatties.

Tenth, I know it's laundry day and I know you don't have any clean clothes left, but please don't wear that "It's A Child, Not A Choice!" tee shirt. It's a real drain on your pool of potentials.

Eleventh, and this is the last one and maybe the most important or maybe not, if you're gonna be doing laundry to get fucked, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. I don't wanna see any vengeance fucking going on. And no "Hey, I Just Got Off Methadone I Think!" fucking neither. If Do Laundry Until You Get Fucked Day isn't all about the fun of getting cleaned up and naked with others then this country might as well throw in the towel before dinnertime.

You Don't Know Me Day!

You think you know me? You don't know a damn thing about me. Sitting up here on the couch you married and you think you know me? Think you can talk to me? Yeah, I ain't left yet. My choice.

You think you can talk to a man/woman you had your arms around for fifteen minutes fifteen years ago. You tell the one with the bullhorn, "Give me a few minutes with him/her." And the police clear a path for the fella/lady who can reach me. You damn right we grew in different directions. I grew out into the world and you grew six feet underground.

Yeah, I ain't left yet. Don't get a swelled head. Why let those fucks get a good night's sleep? If they wanna blow me away so bad might as well make 'em wait for it. They get to earn overtime and I get a few more minutes to tell you you can go fuck yourself. Everybody wins.

You look old. A lot older than I thought you'd look when I got into town. You got fat too. Livin' for money'll do that to ya'. I said, "Livin' for money'll do that to ya'." Make ya' fat.

Hmm? Livin' for love? Hmm.

Won't make ya' fat. Just crazy. Crazy enough to go back to where you know you ain't gonna get out alive. I took a lotta risks in my life and weighed 'em against the reward. This here is the first time the risk was certain death. And the reward's the biggest payoff I ever dreamed.

Hmm? Hmm.

I done seen you too many times in my life. Sometimes you didn't know I was there. I seen you look my way and then I seen you walk away and it messed me up every time worse than the last. Knocked me outta the game for a year at a time.

Now I get my payoff. I'm lookin' at you and you're lookin' and thinkin' about nobody else but me and I'm gonna die that way. So no one walks away from nobody. I'm gonna die with you.

Get in the corner, outta the way. Tell me something pretty. I'm gonna open the door and let 'em shoot me in the back. Just don't take your eyes off me for one goddamn second.

You knew it would happen this way, didn't ya? Back in Tulsa? You always did know me.

Because today's You Don't Know Me Day!

Get Back In The House! GET BACK IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!! Day!

Everything's fine out here honey, I'm just checking on the mail. That noise? Dunno. Yeah, suppose it did sound like a man's/woman's voice. Probably some car radio or something. Don't you worry about it. Soon as I come back in I'll set the table okay? Funny? No, I don't sound funny.

Sweetheart?

Aw God, honey no! Get back in the house! They're not gonna hurt us as long as I do what they say and we don't call the police. Just get back in the house! GET BACK IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!!!!! (Because today's Get Back In The House! GET BACK IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!! Day!) AWW GOD!

Go To Starbucks, Order A Coffee, Sit Down At A Table Where You Can Be Seen From All Angles, Remove The Shoe And Sock From One Foot And For The Next Three Hours Intermittenly Lift Your Bare Foot Up To Your Nose And Smell Day!

Don't huff it. It's not like you're sweating nitrous oxide. Just calmly drink your coffee, read your book, gaze off with your thoughts, then every five minutes or so let an inquisitive expression cross your face, like "I wonder if my foot still smells like that." Then casually lift your barefoot above your table and give it a whiff. You should then don a facial expression that says "Hmm, interesting." Then you just put your foot down, sip your coffee, and wish your neighbor a happy Go To Starbucks, Order A Coffee, Sit Down At A Table Where You Can Be Seen From All Angles, Remove The Shoe And Sock From One Foot And For The Next Three Hours Intermittenly Lift Your Bare Foot Up To Your Nose And Smell Day!

Go And Live In The Woods Day!

Don't just quit, quit big! What are you gonna do, leave your current Data Analysis position just so you can sit around for a couple of weeks before you go and take the Data Analysis position at the marketing firm across the street?

Fuck that. Go into the woods and live in the hollow of a tree until you learn to bind wood into a cabin. Stop speaking any and all established languages as well. Develop your own language. You'll find the dictionary in your bones. In case you can't though, lemme get you started:

The word for "Pussy" is now "Kana Hooo!"

There, now you have the foundation for a new society. Now go kill some animals.

Everywhere All Over The World There's One Woman Outside Who Is Screaming And You're Not Going To Go To The Window To Find Out Why Day!

Prove me wrong!

But let's face it, is your bloody mary sitting on the windowsill? No, your bloody mary is sitting on the end table just within arm's reach of your spot on the couch from where you have a perfect view of the 14th hour of A&E's 36 hour Memorial Day Weekend "The Commish" marathon. She's probably just laughing anyway. That could be a laugh. Like some people kind of scream when they laugh. There, that was definitely-- Okay that's a scream. But it sounds like she's further away now anyway.

There, she stopped.

Happy Everywhere All Over The World There's One Woman Outside Who Is Screaming And You're Not Going To Go To The Window To Find Out Why Day!

Don't Spit On Babies Day!

Okay, so this one is more of a suggestion. Like a kind of rule of thumb. But sometimes this kind'a shit should be played by ear. The important thing is that you're honest with yourself. Know your heart and you can't go wrong.

FYI: Tomorrow's observance of "Everywhere All Over The World It's Exactly 58 Degrees Outside Day!" has been cancelled due to the fact that there will probably be one or two parts of the world where it won't be 58 degrees outside tomorrow.

Use His/Her Face To Save The World Day!

Use his/her face to save the world, via network television.

First you will become a producer of network television shows, a task that should take approximately 14 months to two years. Thus, you will be the sort of powerful person whose phone calls are never refused, even by those who have told you to never ever call again.

(Your position of power will have afforded you a staff of office workers, including a secretery, perhaps two(!), who will place your phone calls for you, including those calls to those who have told you to never ever call again, allowing the phone call to be placed without really disobeying anybody, technically.)

And as a producer of network television shows, a very successful one at that, you will one day, 42 months to 4 years from now, say to the people who own the television network that you will produce a television show that will save the world.

When they ask you for a plot summary, you will explain to them that the show will amount to a single televised image of a face and anyone or anything that sees this face, even trees, will count as a section of the world that has been saved.

And inevitably, of course, since people cannot come to own television networks without asking important questions, the people who own the television network will ask you what sort of face you are planning to televise. And, with a flourish, you will pull from your briefcase a photograph of his/her face and hold it up before the people who own the television network. And the people who own the television network will look upon the photograph and the people who own the television network and the table and the walls and windows will, together, as one section of the world, have been saved and the television show will be greenlighted.

Soon after the debut of the television show, which will be called "Just Look At The Face!", headlines will appear atop newspapers declaring "World Saved!" and a photograph of his/her face will be displayed there in the body of the articles, thereby saving other parts of the world, those parts near the newspaper. And soon after most of the world is saved (sadly, the blind will remain the one fraction of the world that cannot be saved, efforts to describe the face in words being insufficient. This will confound scholars of the face, in that if a traffic light that comes in contact with the face can be saved, it would seem that a person would not need the sense of sight to be saved in kind. Studies will conclude that the blind, who are used to being excluded from those activities that require vision, will assume this "saving" will not be for them and will have built a kind of psychic wall against the face's ability to save. So an entirely saved world will not be possible until the blind are executed.), you will have your secretary place a phone call to him or her and pass along the message that using his/her face to save the world was your idea and you did it because you always knew his/her face was possessed of such a beauty that it could do the very world-saving that it has done and, "He/She would like it if you would call him/her back."

Get started. Happy Use His/Her Face To Save The World Day!

You Gotta Lotta Nerve Showin' Your Face Around Here Day!

For most folks, that state line is where Delaware meets Pennsylvania. For you, it's the line between life and death. Guess what side you're on right now.

Stacey don't need no unemployed alchoholic technical writer for a father. She needs a man to protect her, keep her safe. I'm that man. And as far as I'm concerned the minute you drove into Dover you became a threat to her safety and I ain't gonna think on nothin' until I know you done left this town or you're buried six feet under it.

She's my daughter now. Make a U-turn, Rummy. Because today's You Gotta Lotta Nerve Showin' Your Face Around Here Day!

Try To Make Shit Happen With Your Mind Day!

Want that bag of chips but don't feel like getting off the couch? Maybe you're telekinetic. It's been a while since you spent some time trying to find out (at least a week!) and you do have a few hours to kill. Go on. Try to move shit with your mind.

You know you have a lot of untapped potential in various areas (ability to play a musical instrument, hold down a job, love another) and you just need to buckle down and put in the required effort. Well isn't it possible that you could also be able to make shit happen with your mind but you just haven't gotten around to it? Like that guy/girl you always see on the bus. If you put in the hours to refine your unholy power to control people's thoughts, I'm betting you could get him/her to believe he/she shares those feelings of emotionally void sexual attraction you've been harboring for him/her all these years. You just need to practice. And there's no better time to start than tomorrow night if no one's up for going out drinking!

In observance of Try To Make Shit Happen With Your Mind Day, children under the age of twelve are encouraged to swear.

Tell Yourself For The One Hundred And Seventy Seventh Time This Week That You're Over Him Or Her Day!

Apparently, you like the sound of your own voice. So much so that you'll stay up all night lying in bed repeating the same bullshit out loud as if there was someone in the room stupid enough to believe you. Even your pets find you tiresome. Here's an idea, go look in the mirror and tell yourself that you're better off for another few hours. Hell, it sure made the weekend just fly by.

Pay someone to prescribe pills for you and shut the fuck up. Who cares if today's Tell Yourself For The One Hundred And Seventy Seventh Time This Week That You're Over Him Or Her Day? Just eat some pills and be quiet!

Sing That Song, The One That Makes Me Hit Myself Day!

You know the one. It's the one about the girl, at least I think it's a girl, and you're telling her to wake up to the rest of her life or something and it's got that big BANGBANGBANG!!! in the middle before you tell her she's too beautiful to be pretty or I mean she's too beautiful to be angry or I mean she's too beautiful to have cancer but then there's like a NAHNAHNAAAAH! before you do that awful monologue about unemployed Afghani-Americans (this is supposed to be a song about a girl, shithead) and thankfully you bring it back to the girl and you ask her to never forget the way she feels this morning because the planet needs someone to feel that way in order to keep on spinning and then you get really hooky and you list all the ways she saved a life by waking up and walking out her door for one more morning and it ends with just this kind of clatter.

Sing it. By the way, I hate your band's new album. Happy Sing That Song, The One That Makes Me Hit Myself Day!

Go Outside And Show The Neighborhood Those Unbelievable Fucking Lips Of Yours Day!

Look outside. They're all just waiting for you to come out and peruse the bookstore display window and purse up those unbelievable fucking lips of yours into that near-pucker-not-quite-a-smile little oval that makes the boys and girls start hitting each other all over again. If you're a girl you know there's a shade of lipstick that you only wear when you wanna send a news helicopter slamming into a building. Well slap that shit on. Whether you're a boy or a girl, get yourself a cigarette and light the motherfucker. No one cares if you quit, just get yourself a cigarette and light the motherfucker because you might get hit by a bus before the next Go Outside And Show The Neighborhood Those Unbelievable Fucking Lips Of Yours Day and the thought of never again seeing those unbelievable fucking lips of yours parting just so to let fly a plume of gray just made like six different cashiers break out in sobs. Good Christ I swear to God if you smile at me I'm never gonna drink again.

(oh yeah, and uh, happy Go Outside And Show The Neighborhood Those Unbelievable Fucking Lips Of Yours Day. Sorry if things got a little carried away, man. You understand.)

Experience Monotony So Fully Realized It Begins To Attain The Corporeality Of A Kind Of Warm Cloak You Can Wear In Defense Against The Cold Uncertainty Of A Decision You Chose Not To Make Day!

Let's face it, had you stepped on that boat to Caracas, who knows where you might be right now. In love? Destitute? Imprisoned for crimes of conscience? There's no TV in a Venezuelan prison is there? (Well, if there is, the reception is for shit.) No, you let that decision be made for you and that's why you get to snuggle up to the certainty of the tepid amusement to be found in the Frazier season finale. So pour yourself another glass of functional alcoholism and try not to wonder where Gabriel(le) might be today because it's Experience Monotony So Fully Realized It Begins To Attain The Corporeality Of A Kind Of Warm Cloak You Can Wear In Defense Against The Cold Uncertainty Of A Decision You Chose Not To Make Day!

Openly Weep To Avoid Invites To Happy Hour Day!

Guess what? It's Friday. That means around 4 PM you should expect a visit from Enormously Large Evelyn, the Records Receptionist in HR, and she's going to invite you to join the rest of the team at Yeasty's! for happy hour. Run to the bathroom? She'll only leave a post-it on your monitor. The best way to say no is to cut the invite off at the knees. When Evelyn peeks over your cubicle wall, make sure she sees a coworker sending an anguished peel of sobs into the phone. You might have to cry into an empty receiver until 5:30, but no one will ask if you're okay until Monday.

Happy Openly Weep To Avoid Invites To Happy Hour Day!

Write Something In Blood Day!

Because sometimes that "Drummer Wanted" sign just needs that little extra oomf to get your point across. No one's telling you what you should write or with whose blood or how the blood should be drawn even. No one can tell you what to do unless he or she is ready to pay, right? It all comes down to context. Whether you're scrawling "Pig" above somebody's headboard or you need to send a memo to tell everyone: "Budget Mtg. Moved To Conf. Rm. C," the blood you should use will make itself known to you as it will be most apropos to the situation at hand. Note to Barnard students: You're gonna need that menstrual flow when you start making signs for the "Take Back The Night" march. Don't waste it on those "don't touch" post-its you stick to your food in the dorm mini-fridge. Happy Write Something In Blood Day!

Don't Look To Drugs For The Answers Day!

Why the heck do you think they created alcohol? It's legal, it's affordable, and it can even cheer you up for a little while before the sobbing jag hits. Alcohol will always be there for you. Look at how drugs can go in and out of style. One year, everyone's doing heroin like it's a vaccine for impotence. The next year, kids are giggling at the track marks on the dorky girl in the back of the class ("she so doesn't get it!"). And remember when cocaine was cool? Neither do I.

But alcohol is always cool. Celebrities are constantly drinking themselves in and out of marriages. It's all over the Styles section. And if you drink a little alcohol, not only can you still perform sexually but the person you have sex with can seem remotely attractive. Let's see crack try that!

Just remember, if you drink enough alcohol you could die. Happy Don't Look To Drugs For The Answers Day!

Pretty Dresses Day!

"If you have adequate respect for the pretty dress, when you get to watch one be removed from a body, you feel a twinge of sadness."
-Some Guy In Prison

No matter your sexual orientation, today is the day to celebrate the existence of pretty dresses. They beautify the landscape, they make you look all that much better when you stand next to them, and yes, they make the bodies inside them look like a stick of butter melted on top of a cookie. So if you see a woman or a transgender male wearing a pretty dress, shake her or his hand and say "Thanks for wearing that dress, yo. You prettied up the ATM line for all of us."

Happy Pretty Dresses Day. Quit Cryin'.

Sit In The Corner Of Your Apartment In Your Night Clothes Staring Into Space And Turning The Lights On And Off For Like Nineteen Hours Day!

Sometimes, it's the only way we can tell you've snapped. Don't eat. Don't sleep. Gotta pee? No, no, don't get up. Just let your near limp body splay out like a corpse (complete with the dead glassy eyes!) allowing for only one working muscle, the one that squeezes the switch on the lamp cord on and off and on and off and on and off until you've devised a plan of action that'll take your loopiness out into the world where it's time for folks to pay.

Ideally, this happy funtime should take place when the one by whom you've been scorned is having the time of his or her life with his or her new lover. Also, a cord dangling from a single bulb in the ceiling is just to die for, but a more modern switch on a cord or a chain on a table lamp is okay as long as you're not in too uncomfortable a position. Yeah, you're out of your mind, but we're still talking about like nineteen hours in the same position. And please, no Clappers or dimmers.

This is gonna be fuckin' awesome.

Go Visit A Friend Who Has Cats And Roll Around With His Or Her Cats Day

As soon as you get in there, just push past your friend and grab a cat or two. Then hug and kiss and pet and roll around all over the floor with the cat(s) trying to wriggle out of your arms, barely paying attention to your friend who invited you over there to talk about his or her recent breakup. Eventually the cat(s) will bite and/or run away from you because cats are unilaterally dicks. When that happens, take it out on your friend with something like "Ya' know it's just like your cat to do that to me." Then bring up that party your friend didn't invite you to six years ago and watch the shit fly. Did you know that the suicide rate skyrockets on Go Visit A Friend Who Has Cats And Roll Around With His Or Her Cats Day?

Stop Beating Yourself Up Over A Tragedy You Could Never In A Million Years Have Averted Yet You Continue To Go Through Life Huddled And Fenced Off From Those Who Love And Care For You As If You're Protecting Them From A Similar Fate At Your Hand (Yes, I've Spoken With Your Wife/Husband And Despite Her/His Concern And Belief That You Can Snap Out Of It She/He Is A Few Hours Away From Leaving Because Life Is Just Far Too Short To Throw Away On Someone Who Wants Nothing More Than To Damn His or Herself To Nowhere), And You Can't Even See How Selfish It Is To Waste All Your Time Blaming Yourself As If You're The Only Party That Matters When Others Wish To Grieve With You And Comfort And Be Comforted By You But You Offer Nothing But This "Save Yourselves, Don't Come Any Closer" Bullshit As If You're A God Gone Rotten Day!

It happened. It's Over. Move On.

Happy Stop Beating Yourself Up Over A Tragedy You Could Never In A Million Years Have Averted Yet You Continue To Go Through Life Huddled And Fenced Off From Those Who Love And Care For You As If You're Protecting Them From A Similar Fate At Your Hand (Yes, I've Spoken With Your Wife/Husband And Despite Her/His Concern And Belief That You Can Snap Out Of It She/He Is A Few Hours Away From Leaving Because Life Is Just Far Too Short To Throw Away On Someone Who Wants Nothing More Than To Damn His or Herself To Nowhere), And You Can't Even See How Selfish It Is To Waste All Your Time Blaming Yourself As If You're The Only Party That Matters When Others Wish To Grieve With You And Comfort And Be Comforted By You But You Offer Nothing But This "Save Yourselves, Don't Come Any Closer" Bullshit As If You're A God Gone Rotten Day!

Hold It All In Day!

Boss treating you unfairly? Deli counter guy put mayo on your pastrami again? Relatively certain your wife/husband is cheating on you? Well today's the day to hold it all in!

You know what you should say and you know what you want to say and you know there's nothing worth saying until it all gets said. But hey, why make waves? Besides, that knot of frustration in your belly has been with you so long it's practically your best and possibly only friend. Why not give it a name, like Ben, and tell Ben your troubles until Ben turns into a malignant tumor? Or you could continue to have imaginary arguments while alone in your car. You always win those!

No one likes a complainer. So, whether your boy/girlfriend didn't come to your birthday party or your roommate used up all your insulin, just let it fester. Because today's Hold It All In Day!

There's Really Nothing All That Wrong Day!

No one's saying anything is even remotely right. But the way you woke up today, with that feeling of "I swear to God if I leave this bed today it's going to be to write a letter to the editor and that's it!" Settle down. You're paying bills, you haven't scared off all of your friends yet, 13% of the gender you desire finds you attractive and that percentage is a few points above average. Add it all up, and your life is going pretty smoothly.

Which is exactly why you feel so fucked. You want some drama, yes? You don't just want to absently lose touch with friends and lovers. You want to cut them off and threaten them with violence if they should dare show their face in your life again after what they did. You're not the sole target of a vast conspiracy and you want to know why for fuck's sake! What the hell does it take to get your boy/girlfriend to cuckold you with a guy/girl who is only working the angle to get his/her hands on your collection of porcelains?! And why is it that entire years have passed since someone left a cryptic note under your windshield wiper?

Sorry to say it, but everything's pretty even-keel. Perhaps you could make a few rash decisions? Or were you hoping to spend tomorrow in celebration of "Yep, Same-Old Same-Old In This Cubicle And How's About You Day!"?

Light a match.

Walk Around In Neighborhoods Where The Boy Or Girl You Have A Crush On Might Happen To Catch Sight Of You Day!

It's about giving the boy or girl a few moments to quietly and one-sidedly observe you. When someone pops up in your life out of context (ie. a coworker whom you've never seen out of the office is suddenly walking underneath your apartment window in a pair of cutoff shorts with a potted plant in his or her hands) you experience a second of disbelief and you want nothing more than to watch the person until he or she continues out of sight. No amount of witty conversation or alcohol can make a boy or girl take an interest in you like showing up where you shouldn't be and continuing about your life unaware that the boy or girl in question just saw you. You become the main character in a plot he or she must watch unfold.

So find out where the boy or girl on whom you have a crush lives or works and just walk around that area for like 7 to 9 hours. Buy something and carry it around so it looks like you're there for a reason. Don't spend too much time right in front of his or her office or apartment building or he or she might get freaked out.

The hard part is making the boy or girl you have a crush on want to touch you. It's tricky, because you can't know when you've been spotted because whenever you know he or she is around you start acting like you're fucking high. Just try to never stop being attractive. We're not saying put on a pretty dress or a slimming pair of shoes. This is about affecting a manner. Just think on a fond memory that puts a half-smile on your face that says there is something intriguing going in your head and it belongs to nobody but you. Or if you're waiting for the light to change, lean against the lamp post with a posture that says, "Man, have I been to a lot of funerals!" You need to just walk with such a pace so that when the boy or girl you have a crush on sees you pass by the coffee shop storefront window, he or she will be enthralled by your presence and will wonder what's going to happen when you turn the corner.

Masturbating While Lying Naked On A Full-Length Mirror Used To Get You Off In No Time But Lately It's Just Gotten Really Belabored Day!

Perhaps it's your diet. Or maybe your efforts to insulate yourself from intimate emotional contact with others have somehow cut you off from yourself. And wasn't it you who spent that week in bed under the impression that you are undeserving of joy? I guess what we're trying to say is, don't come whining to us when you couldn't even get over yourself long enough to come to our birthday barbecue last Sunday. Maybe you oughta take a good hard look in the mir-- Um, we mean, it's all your fault. Because today's Masturbating While Lying Naked On A Full-Length Mirror Used To Get You Off In No Time But Lately It's Just Gotten Really Belabored Day!

Don't Smile Monday!

You don't necessarily have to frown, just do not smile. If a coworker should acknowledge you by smiling as he or she passes you in the hallway, respond to the smile simply by staring at him or her until he or she looks away. Again, frowning is merely one in a vast garden of facial expressions from which you may choose to display. May this year's Don't Smile Monday bring all the blessings of the Don't Smile Season to your doorstep and to the doorsteps of those you love, those whose company you enjoy, those you don't care for but pity because they are clearly unsure of themselves, those whose boob you once accidentally cupped and it really was an accident, those who've bought you a round even though they're leaving right after this one, those who've returned CDs they've borrowed from you in a prompt manner and without the CD insert all covered in old food, those who can hang out with you but none of your other friends because they're really kind of dickish to everyone but you, those who doubt, those who can make really good chili without having to fucking brag about it all the fucking time, and of course, former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani.

The Girls Are Pretty "Maybe This Is It" Weekend!

Some boys are about to come and take Pretty Girl away for 24 to 36 hours. Since automobiles have a tendency to "break down" and people can sometimes, without explanation, "just vanish" it seemed like a good idea to get both today's and tomorrow's personal regression assignments up so that no one has to spend Sunday afternoon all fetal and rocking back and forth on a hardwood floor without any pants on. Scroll past Sunday to read Saturday. It is recommended that you not read Sunday's post until Sunday! If you give yourself time to think this shit through, the spark will go out and you'll get that "What's the point" look on your face that sent him/her away in the first place. Stay frosty!

And if Monday passes without word from Pretty Girl, please tell the authorities to look for a cabin 400 miles South-Southeast of Tijuana. Send a chopper.

SUNDAY, MAY 5TH
Set Some Shit On Fire In The Middle Of Your Apartment Day!
Photographs of friends and lovers who've betrayed you are quite the cliche, but they only became a cliche because they just work so fucking well. What else are you gonna burn? A credit card bill? Ooooh!!! You're a real hellion aren't you?

If you have evidence of a murder you committed, yeah that'll work. But you had to burn that anyway. It's like you're doing chores. You need to burn something that represents a first step down a dangerous and self-destructive path. Like a letter begging for your forgiveness. Or...a fucking photograph of a guy/girl wrapped up happily in your arms!

Granted, burning a memento from the past could also signal your first step down a healthy path of spiritual renewal and self-discovery, which is really great for you but we don't wanna hear about it, okay? We're all in front of our computers one click away from checking to see if farmpics.com has a free tour so let's keep things naughty. Thanks.

As to the act of incineration itself, crosslegged in the middle of the living room floor is nice. Blinds closed, door locked, lights off, lovely. Kind of let your eyes glaze over as the flames dance in their reflection, as if something's just been resolved in the blood-drenched caverns of your mind. And let the fire burn just a little bit longer than you're comfortable with, till you're unsure that you can put it out. Whether you do put it out or let the blaze run its course until you walk calmly to the street as if you're unaware that you're just a silhouette against the raging fireball that used to be your home is up to you on Set Some Shit On Fire In The Middle Of Your Apartment Day!

SATURDAY, MAY 4TH
Tell Someone Who May Not Know How Attractive He/She Is Just How Attractive You Find Him/Her To Be Day!
The best way for this to work is if one or both of you is currently unavailable. The point is not to proposition the person, but to pay him/her a compliment that will send him/her to bed with a smile across his/her face. And the payback is that he/she is guaranteed to spend many hours envisioning how a romantic union with you might play out. Which is what you want above all anyway, right? You simply want to be thought of by someone who is in bed waiting to fall asleep. And yes, being defended when someone talks ill of you behind your back is a plus. But nothing compares to being on people's minds, yes?

However, when and if the two of you find yourselves coincidentally available again, expect he/she to come knocking. As stated above, this is the kind of shit people don't forget about, especially when they're running down the list of prospective candidates for ego-boosting rebound sex. But that's the price you pay on Tell Someone Who May Not Know How Attractive He/She Is Just How Attractive You Find Him/Her To Be Day!

Archery Finals Day!

It's early May, which means that taking place across the country today are the final scrimmages of various intramural archery programs. And I'm betting there's one near you. Perhaps at a small northeastern college? Get out there and root!

Stay In A Friend's Guest Bedroom Until You Find Out His Or Her Life Is As Fucked Up As Yours Day!

All of your friends have been inviting you to come out and stay in their homes because they're afraid you might hurt yourself if left unsupervised. Accept. But make sure to stay with the guy/girl who seems almost superhuman in his/her ability to uphold responsibility and communicate exactly what he/she needs to say without putting it in the third paragraph of a goodbye note.

It might sound like the absolute worst idea considering the state you're in, but guest bedrooms can be wonderful because within their confines you're able to put your life on pause while the lives of everyone around you have to continue buzzing along. And on that third night when your friend's spouse fails to show up for dinner (or breakfast on the fourth morning) and any questions you put forth as to the absence are deflected with a brusque "It's just a misunderstanding!" you'll start to realize you're not the only person on the planet who feels like he or she is flailing through a void and maybe you should stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Try to get out before the weekend though, because that's when your friend's spouse will come home (he or she went to his or her mother's house/old college buddy's place by the way) and you might be startled in the middle of the night to find he/she sliding into bed with you, which will be bad. If you say no, you might not be invited back come August when the lake is just gorgeous, but if you say yes, you might definitely be invited back come August when the lake is just gorgeous. It's a tough call to have to make on Stay In A Friend's Guest Bedroom Until You Find Out His Or Her Life Is As Fucked Up As Yours Day!

Join A Community Crime Watch Program In An Effort To Make Friends Day!

What have you got to lose? If you go to their weekly meeting at least you can say you only spend six nights a week alone in your apartment reading. Just join in the festivities. When someone at the meeting (if a man, he will have a beard; if a woman, she will wear a tight-fitting black turtle-neck to reveal breasts of a decidedly aggressive shape and lift) shouts with indignation "Let's show those bastards whose neighborhood this is!", make sure that when you shout "Yeah!" you gesture with your upper body broadly enough that people might notice you, but not so that they can tell you've felt so very alone for as long as you can remember. At the end of the meeting, reach out to others with questions like "What kind of batteries should I buy for my flashlight" or "You ever see any shit go down, man?" At the end of the third meeting, after the announcements about privately run self-defense classses and requests for increased coffee and donut donations, when everyone's getting into their coats, just shout out "Hey, anyone up for getting a beer?" If people say, "Maybe next time," then it's cool. Come back next week. If no one responds, as if they're pretending you didn't even speak, that'll let you know that you blew it again. They don't like you. And it's safe to assume that they're going out for a beer together and will go so far to exclude you as to walk off in separate directions and then double back to meet at McKannon's once enough time has passed to ensure that you've already gone home to your apartment. It's all part of the fun on Join A Community Crime Watch Program In An Effort To Make Friends Day!