Rosh Hashana!

Remember, today is not Rosh Hashana. Better luck next time!

Remember High School Sex Day!

Because some of it wasn't rape! Whether it was a sweet little kiss or a clumsy finger-fuck in the crowded back seat of a car, today's the day to remember those awkward years of attempts at forced penetration foiled by premature ejaculation and just smile and say to yourself, "Phew! Glad I/She got that abortion!"

Fall In Love With Somebody Day!

What are you waiting for? Love feels good. It makes you smile and slack off at work and you eat much more often at very nice restaurants. The sex is really good because you care about it or something and you really want it. You walk around with this stupid face on your head that tells criminals that you're easy to rob, and even when you do get robbed it's no big deal because you found that special someone whose nudity is somehow much more important than the nudity of others. And when you're in love with someone and you see them, you feel happy just for having eyes to see with and shit.

Come Out Of Retirement For One Last Job Day!

Remember Kola? The hooker with the heart of gold who you helped get off the corner and off the horse before you got run out of town? Well don't worry, she's not back on the needle. But her daughter Mimi's been kidnapped. And the kidnapper is none other than Fink, your former "employer" from your days in Old City. It looks like Fink has a job that only you can pull off and you can either swallow the words "Never Again" or give a kiss goodbye to the little girl who may or may not be your progeny. So whether you were an accountant, a notary, a tailor or a master jewel thief, you got no other choice but to get back in the game because today's Come Out Of Retirement For One Last Job Day!

(NOTE: If you get the chance, try to spend a little time with Mimi and forge some semblance of a fatherly relationship with her. Granted, when this is all over you'll either be dead or on a plane to Turkey, but at least she'll know who her father was. If you'd met your old man, things might've gone another way for you. You know what's right and what's worth forgettin' about.)

12 Pills Day!

No one's saying what kind of pills they have to be, that's where you come in. But over the course of the day, you must have taken 12 and only twelve of them. You might choose 12 vitamins if you're watching out for yourself. Or 12 Vicodins if you're up for having a party. Note for those who wanna die: You can only take twelve, so don't pussyfoot around with flintstones Chewables. Make sure there's a picture of a horse on the canister and make sure you take them all at once. Did someone say 'Fifth of Vodka'?

Tell People You Took A Friend For An Abortion Day!

When someone asks you how your day's been going, tell him or her that it's been rough because you had to take a friend to an abortion clinic this morning. If they ask if they know the "friend", only say "I really shouldn't be talking about this."